


I Get to Love You

by Fabuluos_Killjoys



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alternate Ending, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Asmodeus is a bad father, Character Death, Good Sister Izzy, Happy Ending, Hurt Alec, M/M, Mourning, Parabatai, Parabatai Bond, and he gets it, but alot of angst first, can be read without reading books, city of heavenly fire - Freeform, edom, its got a happy ending i promise, magnus comes back dont worry, parabatai stuff goes down, realistic sad!alec, self sacrificing magnus, this is basically hurt Alec who just wants a future, this took me way to long
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-10
Updated: 2020-07-19
Packaged: 2020-12-07 12:36:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 25,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20975984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fabuluos_Killjoys/pseuds/Fabuluos_Killjoys
Summary: Alec didn’t deal with his emotions very well, he didn’t know how to handle them, he was a routine driven person and when something like this came into his life it completely threw everything he knew off balance. When emotions became overwhelming for Alec, he decided to just ignore them until they went away. so you could say Alec was dealing with Magnus's death the same way he deals with everything. By ignoring it.Or: an alternate ending to City of Heavenly fire where Magnus gives himself up to Asmodeus and Alec desperately tries to deal with the loss. It's based on the novels but can be read with only the TV show knowledge.





	1. Edom

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! so I've had this idea since I finished the series in 2016 and finally felt like writing it down, originally it was going to be a oneshot but it sort of grew into a milti-part series. I desperately love these characters and hope that I was able to get Alec's characterization right as man he's a hard one to analyze. But anyway, enjoy!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone is trapped in Edom, with only one way out: Magnus's father

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! so this follows the book timeline, but can be easily read without the book knowledge, all of the book based stuff happens in this first chapter so here's just some general info for anyone who hasn't read the books:  
Alec Does not know that Asmodeus is Magnus's dad.  
Prior to this Magnus and Alec had broken up over the whole immortality issue  
Within the books, the removal of immortality means all the years you've lived catch up to a person and basically super ages them, which I know is different in the show.  
that should be all that you need to know? this fic diverges during the summoning of Asmodeus at the end of City of Heavenly Fire and goes from there.  
Enjoy xx 
> 
> Edit: this chapter has been edited after it was originally posted, just adding extra detail to make it read better and the plot easier to understand.

Asmodeus stood before them in a crisp black and white suit, his face was sharp and his body thin. His presence seemed to fill the room with dread, his power dancing over the entire room with an eerie sort of grace. The high-rise walls and dust stained pillars of the building rose above them in such a way that made even the body of Sebastian, crumpled and dead on the floor, seem like the biggest threat in the world.

And maybe it was, when the Shadowhunters, and Simon, had travelled to Edom they knew there was a high chance they wouldn’t come back. For Alec, he came for Magnus, it was simple enough. He may only just be an adult, but Magnus was the first thing that made him feel himself, and he had decided that even if he couldn’t have Magnus back, he at least wanted to make sure he was alive. And hey even if they did die maybe they would be seen as heroes, maybe they could inspire change in the clave, lead the new generations to follow In their passion, show that the youth can do something good, finally live down the haunting memories of the circle that the clave could not let go of.

The first thing Alec noticed when Asmodeus appeared in the room, apart from how suspiciously sharply the demon was dressed and how distinctly un-demon he looked, was his sparkling cat eyes skimming over everyone in the room. The cat eyes looked so familiar to Alec, mirroring the ones he had grown to know and love with such passion. They were so similar to Magnus’s that Alec had to do a double take to make sure the demon hadn’t stolen Magnus’s eyes. The fact that Asmodeus, a greater demon, demon of lust, ruler of Edom, shared the same eyes as Magnus Bane, the high warlock of Brooklyn, was something that Alec couldn’t focus on right now, but which shook him to the core none the same. Maybe it was some sort of sick game he was playing on them, looking like Magnus in order to earn their pity.

Alec looked around the group of disgruntled fighters who he had done the impossible with, the people in this room with him had faced things no one had believed possible to destroy.

Looking around it struck Alec just how young everyone was. Shadowhunters fought young, dies young even, but not like this. Shadowhunters under eighteen were still technically in training. They went on patrols, low risk missions, average demon hunts, they were not supposed to fight two of the biggest threats Shadowhunters had faced in the last 50 years…alone. The oldest people in the room, apart from the warlock in his arms, were Lucian and Jocelyn and yet they had been separated from the Shadoworld for years. If they survived this, it would be more than a miracle. For only the angles deepest wishes could have let them get this far.

Jocelyn was grasping tightly to Lucian and Clary, all three of them had ripped clothes that had been torn apart by the Edom environment and had faces stained with red dirt, mimicking the powerful lines of battle paint. The daylighter-Simon-was next to Izzy, looking thinner and paler than ever, his cheekbones showing through his pale skin, echoing with terror, and Izzy, who was in full Shadowhunter gear like him and Jace, had tears streaming down her dirt ridden face, but despite that she still held a deadly glare. Jace was still in the prosses of standing up, clasping at one of his many wounds inflicted by Sebastian, gripping his blood covered side like it was the only thing keeping his stable, Alec could feel and echo of the pain Jace was in, but more than that, he could also feel the utter numbness his parabatai was feeling, that everyone was feeling.

And then there was Magnus, he was struggling to stay standing. His magic and natural energy had been completely drained due to his time in Edom and it was showing, badly. Magnus was wiped of all makeup and his hair was all over the place, he had huge deep bags under his eyes and his face mimicked that of a ghost, his face was so weak that it almost couldn’t hold any emotion, however Alec knew that if it could it would not be holding terror like what Alec felt, but instead a deep rooted passion that Magnus was infamous for.

Alec watched as Magnus met the greater demon’s eerily similar cat eyes, the warlock’s eyes give a quick flick of terror that Alec was only able to see for a split second before his attention was pulled away. Alec was currently holding the warlock in his arms, supporting him so he wouldn’t collapse from the great magical drain getting the better of his body. Asmodeus’s eyes met Magnus, and Alec watched in defence for his love, already tensing his body if he needed to jump, even though he knew he was less than powerless against the man in front of him.   
“Son” the Prince of Edom’s voice was deep and raspy as he spoke, the sort of voice you would hear deep in the background of a dream that makes your skin shiver whenever you think of it.

Alec didn’t process what the fancy-dressed demon had said the words that held so much truth and so many answers flew right over Alec’s head, instead focusing on his-technically-ex-boyfriend. Magnus’s terrified eyes had turned stale. His cat eyes glossing over like liquid glass solidifying.  
Magnus spoke back, his tone shifting from the calming soft one he usually used to one of authority and sternness as if his voice was solid concrete. “Hello Father.”  
That’s when it clicked for Alec. He’s never asked Magnus who his dad had been, or Magnus had never told him. All warlocks were part demon part human. That means Magnus had to have a demon father. Alec always assumed it was just some small demon, but the cat eyes made sense now, Magnus’s strength and power, how his witchlight glowed red when Magnus held it, the crimson hand-a literal cult for Asmodeus-that Magnus created. Magnus hadn’t told him. Magnus was the son of a greater demon, not just any greater demon, the prince of Edom.  
That didn’t matter for the moment now though, what was top priority was getting back to Alicante and restoring Magnus’s health.  
So Alec said nothing, letting Magnus speak to his father.  
“It’s nice to see you again Magnus, what has it been? Two centuries since you banished me back here, oh and we can’t forget when you stopped me getting back to you a few months ago in Europe.”  
“I didn’t summon you here to squabble and fight father. I asked for you to get us out of here” Magnus spoke in a formal authoritative tone, not asking, but instead commanding as if he were above his Father.

Asmodeus let out a deep belly laugh, Alec already despised him with all of his heart, how could Magnus live with this monster living over his all his life.

Magnus had told him about his parents and what they’d done to him as a child. His mother's suicide and his crewel stepfather. Why hadn’t Magnus’s real farther been there, for him?

Asmodeus brought his attention back to his son, staring at him as if he was insane. Asmodeus's cat eyes didn’t hold the same soft aged look Magnus’s did, the demon’s eyes where crewel and dead, reflecting that of a predator lion rather than the soft feline feel of Magnus’s.

“You know very well son that I don’t do things for free, even for you. Especially after how cold you’ve been to me the past few centuries.” Asmodeus’s eyes drifted over all of them, smiling to himself at the dishevelment of them all as if it was as delightful as seeing your favourite person for the first time in weeks. Alec didn’t know if he wanted to kill Asmodeus or gouge his eyes out, he came to the conclusion that if he got the chance he would definitely go for the eyes, no one as evil or as foul as the Prince of Edom should share eyes with the selfless Magnus, _his_ Magnus.

Alec thought back to their Europe trip, how even when they both were facing death Magnus hadn’t told Alec of his father, they were so close to dying at the hand of Asmodeus and Magnus still hadn’t said anything. Alec had done his absolute best to let Magnus know that no matter what he would still love him, he hadn’t said love at the time, but he knew now that that’s what he felt. That adventure had been a turning point in their relationship, they’d shared emotions, meals, memories and their bodies from then onwards. To be fair, Alec hadn’t asked about it before. The thought of a relation between the two hadn’t even begun to occur to him before this interaction.

Alec thought back to how he’d felt during that holiday, so excited to love and to be free and open and _out _that he had been so willing to follow Magnus blindly. But he had wanted to follow, he didn’t want to ask questions, all he wanted was to be with Magnus. Alec wished he’d treasured that feeling, kept it and never let it go. He’d been so selfish in the past few weeks, wanting to know every single thing about Magnus so desperately that he went to extents he could never imagine himself going.

Asmodeus looked at Magnus, a long and deadly gaze that held so much pure fury, alec was convinced that gaze could strike down even the most powerful of men, before landing his eyes on Alec. Alec made sure to glare at the demon as much as he could, his rage fuelled by nothing but his love that he felt, and the love that he would feel in the future, given the chance to learn and grow with Magnus. Letting him know how much he hated him. Alec had only known Asmodeus for less than five minutes and already he couldn’t blame Magnus for disowning him. By the angel this man was cruel.

Asmodeus spoke again. “look, I’ll even do one for free” and with his gleaming eyes still on Magnus and a sudden flick of the wrist Jocelyn and Luke where gone from the demonic castle. Clary looked horrified

“Mom!” Asmodeus rolled his eyes

“Don’t worry Valentine's daughter, the Shadowhunter and her pet lycanthrope are safe back in your dimension.” Alec could visibly see the twitch in Clary’s movement, and he knew that she was trying desperately to hold herself back, similar to the way Alec was, that was another thing the two of them had in common Alec thought.

“Asmodeus… Father what would I be able to give for you to send us back to Alicante?” Magnus’s tone of voice had changed once again, minutes ago it was demanding, but now Magnus was lowering his head slightly and speaking as if he were talking to the Seelie queen, careful and thought through, making sure his words where phrased properly.

To this Asmodeus laughed and a spark of deep red glittering mist rose from his palm, Alec recognized it as magic from the endless hours he had watched Magnus use his power.

“See, I know Magnus, that you think you know what I want, and usually that is what I would want. For you to rule beside me. But I can also see son, as I have told you many times over, that your emotions overrule you once again.” Alec shifted his attention to Magnus momentarily to see that he wasn’t shocked, his eyes held their glare.

“The only time my emotions where a weakness is when you used them for your own benefit” his voice gave no hint of emotion, Alec knew the Warlock had come to terms with his parents' death years ago, but what about that pain made by his real father?

Asmodeus had manipulated Magnus, he’d used him. His own father. Alec felt a wave of defensiveness. He wanted to do nothing but protect Magnus from this vile excuse of a father figure. No one, _no one_ has any right to treat Magnus with that much cruelty. Alec pictured Magnus, young and ignorant, not knowing how his powers worked or who his father was. He imagined Asmodeus coming to him, this young boy, and manipulating him, using his youth and his terror to take advantage of his son. If Alec wasn’t so disgusted, he would have cried.

Asmodeus ignored the accusation and kept speaking. “But my son, when I look at you, I can see how much you love these foul mortals, how much they mean to you. How content you are with this temporary state. It seems that just your place beside me is too low of a cost for what you ask. For I can see the passion in their souls and know that in their weakness and stupidity they would only come back to get you. You really have got yourself into a bit of a mess haven’t you son?” The demon walked forward causing his tight suit to fold around his body as he moved, he paced in front of the entire group, stopping and circling around Magnus and Alec.

Up close Alec could see that the two shared no similarities apart from the golden cat eyes. Asmodeus has a strong jaw and a demanding chin. The edges of his face where ash black, as if he’d rubbed his face in soot, yet his suit was impeccable. Alec could see the shimmer around the edge of the demon, and Alec realised the thing standing in front of him was not the true form of Asmodeus. It was a facade, a simple form used only for getting under Magnus’s skin.

Asmodeus looked at the two as if he was thinking of a reasonable price, but his eyes showed he’d already made up his mind.

“Ah… I have a price.” _He’s toying with us, throwing us around so we know he has complete control over the situation_ Alec thought. The demon went and stood back in the centre off the large group. “In fact, in a way it’s a gift, for your lover. One he desires the most” Finally Alec’s stare breaks and he knows his face reads nothing but shock and guilt, knowing that whatever is coming it is somewhat Alec’s fault. “Magnus, in exchange for the return of all of you back to the earth realm, I require your immortality _and_ magic.”

The room stopped.

Magnus’s immortality? Asmodeus was playing a sick game, taunting Alec. He didn’t want Magnus to be mortal, he just didn’t want to burden Magnus when he was old and frail. Simon was the first to break the silence of the room.

“That’s all? Just Magnus’s immortality?”

Alec turned to his lover, “So you’d come back, alive?”

Magnus was looking at the ground, his shoulders visibly hunched, before taking a deep breath and looking back up at the daylighter. Not meeting Alec’s eyes.

“Simon, Alexander, I’m centuries old. If someone were to take my immortality, all my hundreds of years would catch up to me, I would be very unlikely to survive it.” Alec froze. Alec had almost done it; he’d almost taken his immortality away himself. Why hadn’t he realized what would happen?

Magnus met his eyes. Alec could read them easier than a picture book. Magnus was going to do it.

And Alec wasn’t going to let him, he couldn’t lose Magnus. Alec had lost Max, he’d almost lost his _parabatai_ and he'd finally fallen in love. Alec loved Magnus, so much, so, so much and he wouldn’t lose him.

Alec turned his entire body towards Magnus and grasped for his face, placing both of his hands on the other's cheeks.

“Magnus, no you can't, it's not worth it. We’ll find another way” Alec tried to make his tone sound certain, confident, but it came out as anything but that, his voice shaking so much the words barely sounded like they came out of his mouth.

Magnus’s eyes where glistening and it wasn’t until the warlock wiped a tear from Alec's face that he realized he was also crying.

“Alec, my Alexander. We both know there isn’t another way. You can have a life; you can have the entire world.”

Magnus didn’t look scared, he has a sad smile on his face, his eyes clasped onto Alec’s with so much love that it made Alec want to look away.

Another tear fell. Alec was losing hope, he knew how this was going to end. “I don’t want the world” he whispered, the words coming from the deepest parts of his soul. Speaking for the future the two of them could have. Speaking for the love they would learn to share overtime that was so deep and unbreakable that nothing could separate it. Speaking for the maturity and freedom he could learn to have and experience with Magnus by his side. He whispered the words do low that only Magnus could hear. “I want you”.

Magnus sucked in a breath, and without thinking Alec kissed him, one last desperate please to just _not go through with it_. The kiss tasted slaty with tears and bitter with sorrow.

“Oh Alexander” Magnus breathed and rested his forehead against Alec’s. “I'm so sorry Alexander” Alec tried to clasp to Magnus’s arms as the warlock moved away from him and turned to his father.

“Very well father. You can have what you want. But you have to promise to send them home, all of them, safely.” Alec didn’t listen. He was looking at Magnus’s silhouette. Trying to commit it to memory. Wanting to reach out and touch him, _just once_ he thought, _just one last time_.

“very well” Magnus turned around to look at Alec, Alec saw his cat eyes, those beautiful cat eyes looking at him, and Alec remembered the first time he told him he loved him, how Magnus’s eyes had flared with nothing but pure joy. They were the exact opposite now, flaring with sorrow. 

“I love you Alexander” Magnus spoke, calm without a waver in his voice as if it was the last thing on earth he was sure of, and as Magnus walked backward to his father, a red glistening mist rose up around him as Alec spoke back.

“I love you too”

And then the red dirt of Edom was gone.


	2. Mourning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He didn’t know what had happened. The last half an hour occurred so quickly, with so much emotional strain that Alec couldn’t even remember the order in which the events occurred. He remembered them getting to Sebastian's lair, remembered the sword, Clary on the throne. Sebastian on the floor dying, Asmodeus and then Magnus. Magnus. He’d stayed behind, he’d given his life to keep him alive.  
-  
Alec gets back to Alicante and had to come to terms with what just happened

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi, so here's part 2, major Angst warning since Alec is a sad boy, but no other trigger warnings so I hope you enjoy

Alicante came into view for Alec as the red mist of magic began to dissolve around him. The panicked sound of Shadowhunters screaming and desperately searching for their loved ones violated his ears as if they were a nightmare. The people around him hadn’t noticed him on the floor yet, let alone his shaking hands or shallow breath. The surroundings of Alicante didn’t properly process in his head, all he saw was vague outlines of the demon towers and the great hall, he could easily recognize the blue glow of witchlight surrounding him that lit the entire city, the coldness of the light digging deep into his body and making the hollowness in his chest that much more empty. All Alec could do was sit there, where Asmodeus had left him, alone. He was slumped on the hard, bricked ground, his shoulders weighing him down like a thousand tones. 

He didn’t know what had happened. The last half an hour occurred so quickly, with so much emotional strain that Alec couldn’t even remember the order in which the events occurred. He remembered them getting to Sebastian's lair, remembered the sword, Clary on the throne. Sebastian on the floor dying, Asmodeus and then Magnus. _Magnus_ . He’d stayed behind, he’d given his life to keep him alive. 

Alec had spent hours over the past months thinking about every possible way their relationship would end, and in every single one Alec pictured he died first, from battle or age. In every single universe, Magnus would stay alive. 

The world was toying with him, giving him everything he couldn’t bear to think about, somehow, even when Alec had been prepared for anything, the world still managed to hurt him. He remembered thinking that if they got out of that then the angels were truly with them, they had come in contact with two angels in the past year, more than any other Shadowhunter to walk the earth. Surely, the thought, if Ithuriel and Raziel had both allowed their presence of earth at the same time then they could give him this. Give him happiness, for everything he’s done in his life.

For a few minutes back in Edom Alec thought he’d gotten Magnus back. He truly believed that they would see each other again in the apartment and recover from the tragedies of the war together and live the life that he thought he was destined to lead, with Magnus by his side.

Alec couldn’t think straight, actually, he couldn’t think at all. Every noise around him went in one ear and out the other. He sat perfectly still on the ground, staring straight ahead at where Magnus would have been standing if he were still in Edom with him. The only movement coming from his body was his chest rapidly rising and falling and his hands shaking and grasping at the bricks he was sitting on. His nails were trying to dig themselves into the brickwork, digging their way back down to Edom, even though he knew Edom was another dimension and not simply under him, but instead, the only resolution was broken nails and red fingers. He tried to move his eyes, his arm, his head, anything, but his body wouldn’t follow through. He was frozen in place trying desperately to figure out what happened. Everything was so overwhelming to him that all he could feel was shock. 

He stayed still even when he felt a hand on his shoulder and the silhouette of his mother came into his direct gaze. It didn’t stop him from staring at where Magnus should have been standing though, and if he really focused on it, looked through his mum he believed he could just see his silhouette burned into his gaze. The complex shapes a vague shadow in the distance, barely a whisper in the distance between Alicante and Edom.

“Alec, Alec what happened?” his eyes couldn’t focus on his mother, he could hear what she was saying but couldn’t think about what the words meant. “Alexander, you’re shaking, what is it? Tell me what happened?” His mother kept pushing.

_Alexander,_ he thought _Alexander_. Magnus said it with so much love, Alec only ever wanted to hear his full name from the warlock’s lips, no one else's, not his Mother’s or his sisters. Alec still didn’t move, not until his mother put her hand on his cheek and made him look at her. His eyes finally focused on her and he saw that her eyes looked dark and her cheeks hollow. He knew his eyes where wide, and he could feel a tear running down his face. He was only just realizing how his body felt, how _young _he felt, how helpless and confused he felt like all he wanted was to crawl into his parent's bed in the middle of the night and drift to sleep listening to the soft hymns his mother used to sing. He was eighteen surely, he got more time than this. More time to be in love and be happy before he had to become a true adult than this. It wasn’t fair, _none of this is fair_. He barely noticed that his fingers hurt from the ground, that his eyes were burning and his heart, sinking. 

He opened his mouth, trying to speak or say anything to let his mother know his heartbreak, to let her know that he felt something so dire that people twice his age barely survived from it but his throat closed up and he could barely keep his breath steady. He wanted to shout at her, tell her not to call him Alexander, to not look at him like he was broken, but at the same time, he wanted to hug her because she was his mother, to say that it was okay that she didn’t agree with his relationship but just to help him through this, if he even could get through this, but he couldn’t, he felt so much like nothing that he was sure the atoms in his body had broken apart leaving nothing in its place. 

He looked into her eyes. “He’s gone” he whispered it so low that he himself could barely hear it. His bottom lip quivered, and he felt like a child again, who’d just cut themselves accidentally while on their first training session. “Mum, he- he’s gone” 

Maryse looked confused and lost, but he could tell she was trying to sympathize. “who’s gone honey? Jace is over there, he's fine.” 

Alec opened his mouth again to say his name, but before he could get a single syllable out someone crashed into him sideways. He knew by the tight grasp that it was Izzy. She was holding onto his side so much that it hurt, but like the other pains in his body he couldn’t bring himself to care about it. 

“Alec, Alec oh my god I'm sorry.” She was speaking through tears that he could already feel wetting his shirt. He still couldn’t move, he wanted to wrap his arms around his sister, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. Even in a time like this where he felt to hollow to move, he wanted to comfort her. Maybe it was his coping mechanism.

“Izzy,” Maryse said, voice filled with sorrow and concern, she moved and put her hand onto Izzy's shoulder. “please tell us what happened? Who’s gone?” 

A voice came from behind Maryse to answer her question. 

“Magnus” Jace spoke quietly as if saying the name to loudly would cause all of Alicante to burn. Maybe it would, maybe Alec would burn it. 

Hearing his name tore Alec part. His body finally moved, but not in the way he expected. He smashed his fist into the ground, as he bit his lip to stop it shaking. He said nothing, let out no noise just simply sat like that again, but this time his eyes where scrunched shut. 

“Oh Alec,” his mother said, and he felt another pair of arms around him. 

This was real. Magnus was gone, properly fully gone. 

When Shadowhunters loved it was forever, with all their hearts. Alec had gotten that, then he’d lost it, but still held a bit of hope, that he could fix what he messed up. But now, now he’d lost it for real. There was no getting Magnus back. You don’t meddle with the dead. 

Alec didn’t know how long he and his family sat on the ground in the middle of Alicante but when Izzy finally took her hand away from Alec his body was freezing cold. He’d sat there, still, for that entire time and now his bones felt like were superglued in place. Alec knew he had to get up eventually, had to give reports, tell people. But he didn’t want to move. It wasn’t until his Dad spoke to him for the first time that he actually forced his body to cooperate. “Alexander, I’m sorry, I know you two were very… close.” usually when his father referred to him and Magnus like that he wanted to punch and scream at him, to yell at him to just have this one thing, but instead he just let it simmer down, deciding to do nothing but speak. 

“Don’t call me that.” His father, who had been standing awkwardly in front of him, his hand outstretched to Alec's shoulder, pulled back. 

“It's your name son.” his voice wasn’t malicious, just factual, simply telling Alec, that yes it was, in fact, his name. Alec looked up at his Father, he didn’t want to hurt him, but Alec didn’t want that name, _his_ name, the one Magnus spoke with so much love and affection coming out of the same mouth of the man who’d never accepted his relationship. He made the conscious effort to stagger up from the ground, taking all he had not to let his legs give way from under him. He wanted to show his father that his relationship and the man he loved made him stronger. He looked at his father right in the eyes. 

“That’s what Magnus calls me” was all he said. He wanted to say how Magnus made his name sound sweet and romantic, letting it roll off his tongue when they were in their most intimate moments. He wanted to say how his father made his name sound like a demand, an order like he wasn’t human. He wanted to say how he wanted that name to hold the memories of Magnus and not those of formal family talks. Especially not from his father. 

“I don’t see how your friend calling you that makes it your name any less.” _Boyfriend_ Alec thought. He knew his father wasn’t trying to pick a fight, he knew his dad just didn’t understand how he could love Magnus even when it was the most natural thing Alec had ever done. He knew his dad was trying, even if it wasn’t very much, at least it was something. Instead of picking a fight- which Alec really didn’t have the energy to do- he just sighed.

“Boyfriend dad, he was my boyfriend you know that.” To that Robert nodded, and said he was going to check on Izzy. Alec knew his father just didn’t want to have to deal with him in this state. He ran away, again, like he usually does, but for the first time it didn’t bother Alec, in fact, he didn’t even care, didn’t care about anything. His legs, that has been struggling to keep him up fell out from under him, and he was right back to where he started. On the ground and numb, with no one around him. 

Magnus would have made him warm; Magnus would have gotten him up, Magnus would have taken him in his arms and kissed him. Magnus. _Magnus_. 

Alec wasn’t aware of the time that passed as the Shadowhunters slowly cleared away from the city center, going to mourn or cherish their loved ones after the war they just took part in. At one-point Alec had stood up and moved to where his family where huddled just inside the hall of accords. When he walked up, the previously chatty group silenced instantly. Alec kept his eyes to the ground, but he could recognize the boots of Izzy and Jace, he saw his mother's shoes and his father's battered legs. The only pair of feet left were small and pale, they were obviously Clary’s. Alec's hands were shoved deep into his pockets as the group moved aside to let him in. He ended up with Izzy on his left and Clary on his right, both girls already had their hands on his back yet no words were said. The only thing that caused him to move was Catarina approaching the group. Alec saw that she’d visibly been crying. She already knew about Magnus then. 

The blue-skinned warlock pulled Maryse aside for a few seconds, Alec assumed it was about organizing a portal back to New York, no Shadowhunter wanted to stay in Idris after what just happened. As Maryse came back to the group, Alec’s suspicions were confirmed as his mother announced for them to be ready to portal back home in five minutes. 

The group broke away to clean themselves up and collect various weapons and steles they'd taken from the institute, leaving Alec standing alone with Catarina. As soon as everyone has departed Catarina spoke. 

“Were you with him when it happened?” It definitely wasn’t what Alec was expecting her to say, but he replied to the question with as much certainty as possible, if anyone deserved the truth it was Magnus’s longest friend. 

“I-I was. I tried to stop him, Catarina, I did I promise, but he didn’t listen” despite everything Catarina let out a quiet chuckle . 

“I always told him his stubbornness would be the end of him.”

Eventually, the group re-joined, and Catarina summoned a bright blue portal to take them to New York. Everyone walked through in sorrowful silence, first his mother, then Clary, Izzy then Jace, Alec watched as the shadows of his family wondered through the portal and were dissolved by the blue light. It was Alec’s turn to walk through, taking slow step after slow step. He was terrified that as soon as he stepped through that portal all of this would become real, it would be definite. Alec turned, looking at Catarina, she’d known Magnus the longest, he couldn't imagine how much she must be hurting. 

“Catarina, please, let me go to Magnus’s” The warlock took a moment to look into Alec's eyes. He didn’t know what she was looking for, nor what she’d find, but none the less she gave a small nod anyway, allowing him to go through with a different destination in mind.

As he walked through the portal, he was overcome with the feeling of momentary displacement you get by portaling, as if an elevator was falling sideways before he stepped out the other end, to find himself in the apartment belonging to the high warlock if Brooklyn. The apartment held dark furniture, long black velvet loveseats, and deep oak coffee tables. Alec made his way to the familiar bedroom, the one part of the apartment that never changed. He tried not to focus on the small details he knew where there, like the now empty drawer he kept his clothes in when he was staying here almost every night. He ignored the bottles of sandalwood flavoured body spray on the bedside table and the mundane gossip magazines that had been thrown around the room. Instead he collapsed onto the familiar Saturn sheets that encased Magnus’s bed. He twisted and manipulated his body into a tiny ball, clutching the sheets tight enough that his fingers went white.

He screamed

Alec lay there in the empty bed, screaming and sobbing for Magnus, struggling to breathe to the point where he was inhaling the sheets from curling his body so tight. He felt like a small child throwing a tantrum. He was basically still a child. Only 18. He lost his love at 18. He clamped his eyes closed and begged, screamed, sobbed praying that an angel would hear him and bring the man he loved back. Begging for Magnus to take him in his arms. Just once, once would be enough, he thought, just one more memory. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for all the hits and kudos on the first chapter, hope you liked this one as well.


	3. Reconciliation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec, now back home in the institute has to face his grief. And as much as his family wants to support him, sometimes there's nothing they can do but check up on him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> woop part three! this is probably the halfway part to the story so things start t pick up after this. Enjoy ^^

Alec had lost him.  
The man he’d loved with all of his heart, even if that love was less than a year old.  
He hadn’t experienced loss of this kind before, he didn’t know how to deal with it, he’d lost poor little Max, and that had torn his family apart but it was still something they went through together, as a family. But Magnus, Magnus, was his grief to bare alone.  
Alec didn’t deal with his emotions very well, he didn’t know how to handle them, he was a routine driven person and when something like this came into his life it completely threw everything he knew off balance. When emotions became overwhelming for Alec, he decided to just ignore them until they went away. He shoved himself into work and protocol going on every mission he could, filling out reports as soon as he got back to the institute and training every waking minute of the day, to do nothing more than to keep him from facing reality. Never being as idiotic as Jace though, never throwing himself into danger, just getting as lost in his work as possible. As much as Alec hurt, he never wanted to put others in danger as well.  
So, you could say he was dealing with Magnus’s death as he deals with everything else, by refusing to accept it and instead, ignoring it.  
He’s learned over his life as a Shadowhunter that no matter what, your top priority was keeping the city safe, and in his case it was New York, he’d also learned that being different in the Shadoworld was beyond a burden and put a huge target on your back for everyone to see, which meant that as soon as he slipped up he would be called out. He wasn’t allowed to mourn like normal Shadowhunters because the man he was mourning for wasn’t one of their own. Others didn’t see it as a valid person to grieve over, they saw him as weak for doing that, choosing to ignore the fact that the New York Institute had just saved all of Idris, but that’s beside the point.  
He hurt, yes, but he tried to keep his priorities up, to focus on what would be constant in his life. People die in battle all the time, he didn’t want to make the other Shadowhunters think he was weaker than everyone else, didn’t want people to doubt him just because he lost someone close.  
It was eating him away on the inside, he was lonely, empty, longing for the hold and scent of Magnus more and more every day, curled up in his strict institute bed every night wrapped in the Satin sheets he got from Magnus’s apartment, sleeping in one of his shirts, holding some old jewelry close to his heart. Sometimes he scrunched his face up really hard and willed for the sorrow to stop, but he didn’t sob. He cried sure, but never when anyone else was close enough to hear.  
His family kept a close eye on him, kept on asking him how he was doing, and he told them, he did. He told them he was doing the best he could, told them he was hanging in there. Even that was hard for Alec to admit, but he did it so his family could worry a little less.  
Alec was currently sitting the vast institute library, surrounded by huge deep oak shelves filled with leather-bound books, he was sure there was probably a book on grief in here, he could probably give that one a flick through.  
He was going over some old research about demon markings for a new case, a few demons popping up around the city, he was trying to identify the 6-legged creatures that had attacked him and Jace the day before  
The family had only been back in New York for a little over three days, and it had only been a week since the battle at Alicante. So far in his library adventures, he hadn’t found anything about the creatures, to be fair that probably wasn’t helped by the slowly dying light bulb illuminating the thick book.  
The heaving library doors opened as Izzy came in to do her routine check-ups. She hauled herself onto a chair across from the wooden desk he was sitting at.  
‘How are you holding up?’ She always spoke cautiously when this topic came up, always weary of Alec, as if she was expecting him to snap.  
‘I’m doing the best I can Iz.’ He replied, not looking up from his research. She sighed at this answer, and leaned forward in her chair, closing Alec’s book.  
‘You keep saying that Alec, I want a real answer, so I’ll ask again, how are you holding up?’ To this Alec took a deep breath, knowing Izzy wanted a serious conversation and not just a two-minute check-up. He rubbed his hands over his eyes, massaging his eyelids.  
‘I don’t know Iz, I-I- you know I don’t handle emotions well. I guess I’m blocking it out, hoping he’ll come back. You know I don’t like talking about this stuff.’ To this Izzy still wasn’t content and gave him a look that said ‘more.’ She kept pushing at what Alec wasn’t telling her, not trying to hurt Alec he knew, only to get it off his chest. She knew Alec was trying to take the easy way out, but still, it was difficult for him to get his head around it.  
He’s always had trouble collecting his thoughts, never allowing himself enough time to sift through his head and figuring out how he felt. That was one of the huge factors to his late realization of his sexuality and love life, he hadn’t sat down and gone through it in his head, but once he asked himself if he could picture himself kissing a girl and then compared it to a boy, he knew the answer.  
Alec took one hell of a deep breath, knowing Isabel wouldn’t leave unless he told her, so he closed his eyes and focused on his thoughts.  
‘I miss him. I really do, I feel like I don’t know what to do with myself. Usually, I finish a mission and then go and see him, but now I go and text him, and keep forgetting I won’t get a reply. I just don’t know what to do with myself.’ He opened his eyes and looked at his sibling who was looking directly back at him with sad eyes. This is what he hated about being vulnerable people looking at you like you’re broken or like you’re not strong enough to look after yourself.  
Of course, Alec knew his sister was just trying to sympathize with him, but he still couldn’t help the bitter response he felt towards the look. ‘Is that a better answer?’ He questioned in response to his sister’s sad eyes.  
‘Is it a good enough answer for yourself Alec. You know you don’t have to work; we get time off when someone dies, plus I’m sure Catarina wants some help with funeral planning.’  
The funeral. He didn’t want to think about it. Catarina has offered to book it as she was Magnus’s longest-lasting friend but did offer for Alec to help. He, of course, politely declined, not wanting to have to think about Magnus any more than he had to, for his own personal sanity. The event was in a few days’ time and Alec had gone out and bought himself the suit Magnus always begged him to try on. He figured if there was any time to listen to Magnus’s clothing opinions it was when you were remembering him. He would have liked that Alec concluded, being remembered for his amazing fashion and dazzling makeup. He shut off his thoughts then. Not wanting to deal with the heartbreaking thought of his lost love. Alec didn’t want to face it, he knew theoretically how to deal with his grief but didn’t have the mental power to put that theory into action.  
‘I know she would do, but I don’t want to think about it. About what a funeral means. I’ve never been to a Downworlder funeral. I don’t know if we’ll be welcome.’ It was true, Alec had only ever experienced Shadowhunter funerals, and those were very simple and routine. He knew of the traditions of mundane funerals of course but not of those of Downworlders. In Shadowhunter culture the bodies were burned and buried or put in the city of bones, a memorial of those who helped keep the Shadowhunter race going, but Alec knew that Magnus was not one of him. And no matter how much Alec meant to him Magnus wouldn’t want to be put next to so many who had tortured his kind.  
Alec could only assume Caterina knew what Magnus would want, because god Alec didn’t even want to know, didn’t want to think about the idea that he was gone.  
Every Shadowhunter had lost someone. It’s what happened in battle. But it was very rare that someone was a Downworlder.  
‘Of course, we’ll be welcome Alec, he was your boyfriend. You deserve to be there more than anyone.’ Alec took another sigh and looked away from his sister’s eyes, not wanting to see the look of pity buried in them.  
‘Izzy, you know as much as I do that I only knew him for a millisecond in his lifetime. He’s been alive-‘ Alec stopped himself. He’d misspoken, denied Magnus’s death again. ‘He was alive for such a long time. There are people who’ve known him for centuries. And what about all of his past lovers, his past friends, people that passed on before him. Why do I deserve to be here and not all of them?’ Alec spoke of this, not out of jealousy but out of mourning, he wasn’t referring to his prior insecurities, but more out of sorrow for Magnus’s heart. How the people that had been important to him in the past wouldn’t be able to see him in his final moments. Alec didn’t dare look back at his sister, focusing instead on a peeling piece of varnish on the old wooden desk.   
‘Alec, you know Magnus loved you. You know he would want you there more than anyone.’ There’s that past tense again. Izzy seemed to have no issue referring to Magnus in the past. Why was it so hard for Alec? ‘You know that Alec, he wouldn’t have done what he did otherwise.’ Izzy moved forward yet again in her chair, reaching for her brother’s hands, and clasping them tightly. ‘Look at me Alec. Please?’   
Alec didn’t want to. He didn’t want to look at his sister. His breaths were already getting uneven. It was the first time anyone had acknowledged his boyfriend's sacrifice since it happened. ‘Alec’ she said again, stern this time. He squeezed his eyes closed, taking a deep breath before turning his head and looking at Izzy.   
When he opened his eyes again, he could feel a single tear dripping down his face and could feel extra ones piling at his waterline. He didn’t want to cry, not in front of Izzy. He didn’t want to confront what Magnus did. He knew in his heart that Magnus had saved so many people. That it was the morally right thing to do but he still didn’t want to admit it. He wished, for a second that Magnus was the most selfish person in the world and had been fighting to save his own ass instead of everyone else’s. ‘Oh Alec’ she moved one of her hands to wipe away the tear dripping from his cheek. Alec closed his eyes again. Begging for the tears to be sucked back into his body.   
‘What do you want me to say Iz?’ His voice was wavering, he tried to hide it. ‘Why wasn’t he selfish. Why was I the one who he died for. So many others- Iz-‘ another tear slipped, and he had to stop speaking to get a hold of his voice. ‘I was just one, just one in his long, long life. He could have had such a good life. I’m a Shadowhunter I’m supposed to die. The city needs him, I need him, Izzy... I really need him.’ That last part he whispered. And had to inhale and scrunch his face to stop his emotions overflowing him. ‘Izzy, he said I could have the world. He handed my life to me, I told him I wanted him. Not the world.’  
‘Alec- Alec you can’t blame yourself. You can’t think of this as something you had control of’ he nodded. He knew that. He knew it wasn’t his fault, but he couldn’t help think of every possible way they both could have gotten out of that situation alive.  
‘I know Izzy’ he stood up then, and walked and put his book back, for nothing but something to do. When he got back to the desk, he was sitting at his sister was standing in front of it, holding out both of her arms, offering a hug. Alec openly took it, holding his breath the entire time so she wouldn’t be able to feel how uneven his breathing still was. Stepping back and wiping his eyes Alec gave his sister a small thankful smile. Izzy patted Alec on the back and turned to leave, when she reached the door she turned around suddenly, causing her long black hair to fly around with her.  
‘Alec, when you go and sort out Magnus’s apartment, let me know okay? So I can come with you, or at least help you.’ Alec nodded  
‘Okay Iz, I will’ and with that, his sister was gone from the library.  
As soon as the wooden doors closed, Alec fell apart, he slumped down in the desk chair, his shoulders fell and he held his eyes in his hands, resting his elbow on the seat for support. Allowing his tears to fall, and his shoulders to shake violently. His fist came down on the table, causing a small dent that Alec didn’t notice, nor care about. His hands tearing at his hair, and palms pressing into his eyelids until he saw kaleidoscopic shapes.  
He knew he had to accept this, this feeling of emptiness and defeat. But the only way I knew how to fix it was Magnus, but he couldn’t have that anymore. How has he even survived before Magnus? Was he supposed to go back to that? Back to nothing but training and killing demons?

After just over ten more minutes of scouring the bookshelves for anything remotely sounding like a six-legged demon, the wooden doors opened once again. Without turning up towards the door Alec spoke to the intruder “Izzy already checked up on me twenty minutes ago, ask her if you want to know how I am” there was no reply from the person who entered the library.   
Out of nothing but curiosity, Alec looked up and saw Jace standing about five meters from his desk, his face pale.   
“Alec” he breathed. “we know how to bring him back”


	4. Hope

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry more angst, but the solution begins to take part in this chapter so enjoy^^ Also this isn't as edited as the last few so sorry for any spelling errors.

Alec was in the training room for the first time in weeks, not because he hadn’t needed to train but because he’d needed to find Magnus more. For the past three weeks, ever since Jace had enlightened him with a slight chance of getting Magnus back, Alec had been sitting in the library scouting through piles of books, looking for anything even remotely related to Magnus. He’d began basically living in the institute library, the smell of thousands of leather books seemed more welcoming to him that his shallow institute room. The smell of books reminded him there was still hope to find his lost love.   
Alec had begun sleeping and eating between the vast library shelves, the once clean shelves were littered with plates and cups, misplaced books and toiletries. The only reason Alec was currently beating up a punching bag was that his mother had come in and banned him from the library. Alec knew all well it was Izzy’s idea to kick him out but his sister knew their Mother would be more threatening. Maryse had told him to go and lie down in his room to get some rest but Alec came straight here instead. His knuckles where currently raw and bloody, his skin beginning to peel away from the hard bones of his closed fist. He was breathing hard and already had sweat running down his body. Alec knew that if he went into his institute room he’d be confronted with the pile of emotions he’d been distracting himself from. So if he couldn’t distract himself in the library, he’d distract himself in the training room instead. He kept telling himself he didn’t need breaks that all he needed to do was to find a way to safely get Magnus back. Getting a few hours of sleep each night was difficult to convince himself to do. His instinct kept telling himself to keep looking until he physically couldn’t anymore. The number of papercuts Alec had on his hands from scanning through pages where uncountable and honestly, he was surprised there was still enough clean skin to be broken by his current workout session. Well, not quite workout, more of an aggressive distraction.   
Alec wasn’t sure how long he stood there taking his past weeks anger out on the poor victim of a bag, but by the time Jace walked into the training room the last of the daytime sun was peeking through the bottom of the large stained glass windows.   
“Alec? What are you doing here its 6 O’clock?” Jace didn’t sound worried but instead curious. Alec knew that Jace could sence through their parabatai bond they Alec wasn’t doing well but he was sure glad his brother didn’t bring it up.   
Without stopping his assault of the punching bag Alec replied through short breaths. “Mum kicked me out of the library, said I had to take a break. So I came here” Alec threw two or three really hard punches and let out a hiss of pain as the second one hit a particularly tender spot of raw flesh oh his hand. As he went to throw another punch the bag stopped swinging and instead sat still, behind it was Jace, holding it in place.  
“I think Mum was right Alec, you need a rest and assaulting those punching bags is definitely not the best example of relaxation.” Although Jace's tone was joking, his face was sincere. Alec began to walk to the weapons shelf, if he couldn’t punch, he was going to shoot some arrows. Jace may have been his parabatai but he didn’t dictate what Alec did and didn’t do. “Look, Alec, I know you're going through hell, but you don’t need to destroy yourself. We all want to find Magnus but there's only so much you can do before you start to do more harm to yourself than good. Magnus wouldn’t want this” Alec felt a sudden deep rage coming on him, his past weeks of bottling his feelings up had led him to this moment, where he could shout at someone as soon as they messed up even slightly, he didn’t have any right to get mad at Jace but he just couldn’t keep it inside ay longer. Alec had let his past weeks of sorrow build and although he thought the lack of self-care and recent training session was helping him burn off that rage his current outburst said very different. Alec dropped the bow he was holding into the ground and took a few large steps until he was face to face with his brother.   
“Don’t you dare tell me what Magnus would want” he spat. “He sacrificed everything to give me a world, and I have to do all I can to give him that back. Don’t you get it? I can't be anywhere else but that library where I can do research, I can look at what I can do to get him back. I can't stay in that institute bed any more it's lonely and empty and heartless! I can't go back to the apartment because everything there is his! The only place I can go is that library. At least there’s no one to tell me what to do there. I did everything for the clave for so long, and then when I got what I wanted and was out in the open people stopped telling me what to do, but now I'm back to old loveless Alec and everyone thinks they can boss me around again! So tell me, Jace, all is good in your life you got the girl, everyone you love is safe, Sebastian’s dead and you lost nothing, you caused this mess and you got the happy ending! All I have ever done if clean up what you do, so why! Tell me why do I have to pay your stupid price” when Alec stopped shouting he out of breath, unable to process the tangent he just went on.  
All the words that came out of his mouth where thing’s he’d never even wanted to say before. They where small things he knew, small, selfish, vile things that he’d taken out of proportion due to his anger. Alec stepped back from Jace, who looked dumbfounded, his mouth was hanging open and his body was frozen, completely unmoving. It was clear this was not what Jace had expected from Alec. What had he expected? Crying?   
“Jace- I” he was cut off by Jace, who had seemed to recover from the shock quite quickly.   
“Alec, you need to rest. That’s not me asking. I'm telling you as your brother and parabatai that you need to take a break. You’re not in the right headspace at all to be doing anything. If you don’t willingly take a rest I will lock you in your room.” Jace was speaking like a leader, and it made Alec feel like a child being sent to detention. He knew that Jace wasn’t joking and that his brother would actually lock him a room without his stele to force him to take a break. Alec knew he had no choice but he couldn’t just sit and wait around for everyone else to find a solution. Jace’s voice was more stern this time, he was demanding to a point where his voice echoed around the room. “Alec, rest”  
“I can’t”  
“You have to Alec. I swear on our parabatai bond that if you don’t I’ll file for you to be taken off the mission when we retrieve Magnus”   
Alec turned around and walked to the weapons rack and picked his bow up from the ground, placing it back neatly in its allocated place. His stomach was sinking. All Alec wanted to do was go back to that library and go through more books. Every part of his body was begging him to go back to that library. But he had to listen to Jace. He knew in the front of his mind that it was the right thing to do, but that doesn’t mean he wanted to do it.  
“Fine, I’ll rest. But as soon as anything remotely interesting happens you come to me,” Jace let out a huge sigh of relief and let his posture deflate like a balloon. Returning to his casual stance.   
“Thank you, and Alec, I promise we’ll find him” Alec didn’t reply, but instead turned to leave, as he walked past Jace the other put a sturdy hand on his shoulder. Alec turned his head, expecting Jace to say something else to him but instead, his parabatai just gave him a short, reassuring nod and let him go. 

Alec had been trying to get to sleep for about two hours now, constantly tossing and turning trying to turn away from the thoughts of the high warlock he was trying to fight off. No matter how many times he tried to sleep in different positions he just couldn’t get his mind to rest. Everything he saw in his room brought up a memory of Magnus. His bedside lamp which had once been knocked over in a rush for Alec and Magnus to get to the bed, they’d been tangled at the lips and suffocating in unnecessary clothes. Looking at that lamp Alec could see a small crack in the glass shade that had been made when it had been knocked over my Magnus’s hands. The crack brought up memories of harmonic moans and melodies made out of the two of them. Alec turned again, facing the window and his eyes became transfixed in the few stars shining out of the window that hadn’t been drowned out by the rowdy streetlights of New York. Memories of Magnus and Alec standing on the loft balcony looking up at the very same stars haunted Alec until a hesitant knock sounded from his door. Alec shot up from the bed, basically sprinting to the door and heaving it wide open.   
“Is it Magnus, have you found anything?” Alec's words came out in a violent frenzy, slipping out of his mouth so quickly that they were barely understandable. It took him a moment to see Izzy standing at his door holding a takeaway box.   
“No Alec, we haven’t gotten anywhere with Magnus yet but we ordered food, I figured I should bring you some. You need to eat.” Alec ran his hands through his hair and took the food from his sister.  
“Thanks, Iz, I-I’ll. Um. Thanks” Alec managed to stutter the words out, he couldn't think straight. No word on the Magnus problem. They knew that Asmodeus had the power to bring Magnus back but they didn’t yet know how to summon him, nor convince him to give them his son back.   
“Alec, have you slept at all in the past two hours? Two days even?” Alec’s eyes were darting around the room and he’d begun to pace the room. He was going insane. Izzy had to repeat his name three times for Alec to answer the question.   
“I can't sleep Iz, every time I close my eyes I see him, everything I look at reminds me of him. I can't get him out of my head.” His sister took a step forward stepping on the rough carpet of her brother's room. She took her hair out in one big swoop and softly closed the bedroom door behind her. Alec watched as she took the food from his hands and put it aside, she then, to Alec's confusion got into his bed. She opened her arms, opening a hug.   
“Talk to me Alec, I’m your sister if you can’t sleep I’m going to stay here with you until you do, so you’re not alone.” He had to force himself to hold back a wave of emotion. Alec didn’t deserve his sister, she was so unreasonably stubborn to make things right, and in this case, that meant staying with Alec until he fell asleep. So Alec crawled into bed next to his sister, turning so his back was towards her.   
“Thankyou Izzy” was all he said as he closed his eyes, the body heat from his sister giving him a sense of relief and family as he, for the first time in weeks, fell asleep with ease, and landed in a dreamless rest. 

When Alec awoke Izzy was no longer beside him, but instead of his sister, a hot water bottle had been placed there to keep Alec warm. He groggily heaved himself out of the bed, his neck aching and his shoulder feeling sore. As he stretched his hands he was greeted by the pain from the torn and frail skin left behind by his punching bag abuse yesterday. He slipped into the nearest pieces of clothing he could find, not bothering to check himself in the mirror but instead hastily applying a healing rune to himself before leaving his bedroom. Once he was gone from the isolation that was his bedroom all of his muscles began tugging him towards the library. He always led himself back there. Back to the books, the answers.   
He worked his way through the labyrinth of institute halls until he came face to face with the library doors. Despite his few hours of sleep he didn’t feel refreshed at all. His heart felt heavier than ever and he was having a hard time keeping his shoulders up. Fatigue and a loss of hope had begun to get the better oh him. as he pushed open the wooden double doors he saw Clary, Izzy and Jace all surrounding a large work table in the middle of the room. The trio's attention shifted as they heard Alec walk through the doors. As Alec approached the desk Jace paced his pen on the table, taking a sigh before acknowledging his bother.   
“Alec, we think we’ve found a way to summon Asmodeus. There's a church in Rome that was built centuries ago, in its prime the church held a secret sort of cult who supposedly praised Asmodeus.” Alec recalled his and Magnus's vacation to Europe and the Asmodeus praising cult called the Crimson Hand, Alec wondered if it could be the same cult. “According to this book they summoned him, and in return for their praise if they called upon him on that same technically unholy ground, once more he would give them one thing. Apparently due to the excessive amount of years this cult was going on a part of Asmodus is tied to the grounds meaning if we summoned him there he would be forced to answer.” Alec's heart stopped in his chest. They’d done it. They’d found a way to get him back. Alec stood up straight and pulled his shirt down a bit with a commanding tug.   
“Okay, where do we start”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I cut my own bangs today and I've never felt more powerful. feel free to leave kudos


	5. Reuniting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Edit: this chapter has been edited for spelling errors

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright so remember at the beginning when I said it was gonna be a one-shot, then a six-part series well I sorta wanna keep going, but that does mean updates will become a lot more irregular as school has started up. I'm still only halfway through part six, and for now, I'm not too sure how many more im going to add but we'll see when we get there :)

“Okay so please explain why you think this plan would work. As far as I’m concerned no one can bring someone back from the dead without using dangerous black magic, and I won’t dare let you use that.” Catarina was steadily pacing back and forth in the institute library. They’d summoned her thereafter they found a solution to the Magnus issue. So far they’d only explained what they needed her to do, which was just to safely summon Asmodeus.  
“I mean technically Magnus isn’t dead…” Jace began from his strained position behind the same wooden desk Alec had had a breakdown on a few weeks before. “Since Magnus is such an old warlock, then according to our records some of his soul, well, we’re hoping most of his soul is attached to his magic, which Asmodeus now has, and since we also assume the demon still had Magnus’s body down there somewhere with him, the part of his soul connected to his body would be there as well, just in two separate pieces. So, you know how Lilith was able to raise Sebastian with his body but not his soul, we figured we could raise Magnus with a body and half a soul. So, since Magnus is still technically tethered to the world by magic then Asmodeus should be able to re-join the pieces like he took them apart” Jace finished up his explanation, rather quickly summing up their discoveries of the past few weeks.   
Catarina stopped where she stood and started playing with the side of her shirt with her sky-blue hands. “I mean in theory it could work, but it’s going to be more difficult than you think. Just from what you’ve said I can already see two major issues. The first, rather obvious one, was how are we going to summon and then actually convince Asmodeus to do what we ask? We have nothing he wants. In Edom Magnus was your only bargaining chip.” Izzy began straightening her posture from her leaning position against some of the shelves.   
“We’re working on that one, we’ve got a lead on an old cult called the Crimson Hand that Asmodeus promised some stuff to, what’s the other issue?”  
“Well, since Magnus’s souls has been split and taken away from his body, his soul would most likely be too weak to fully control his physical body. For hundreds of years, the balance between his soul and his body were equal and now his soul may not be strong enough to support the other.”  
Alec’s mind began to race, connecting dots in his head. Going through every way he’d been able to help Magnus restore his power after he’d been drained. For the first time in this entire meeting he spoke up. “Could we tether him to someone maybe? In a similar way Jace was tethered to Sebastian, but less… possessive. Like how Magnus takes my energy, could we create a tether so Magnus would have a constant supply of my energy so his soul would be strong enough to support himself?”  
At this Izzy’s eyes became as wide as Lake Lynn, she took a step forward towards Alec but stopped herself, pausing a few meters in front of him.   
“No way, absolutely none! Not only for you but Magnus as well, surely that would mean if you ever died that energy would be gone and then Magnus would be left with that unbalance again. It’s too dangerous to do it for both of you, even if we could.” Izzy’s eyes flew to Caterina, “Tell him, it’s not happening!”   
For a few seconds the blue warlock didn’t reply, she had begun pacing again and her hands had moved their attention to running through her hair. “No, actually Alec may be half right. Souls are able to grow in a sense, and if we created a tether, it wouldn’t be permanent, it would stay until his soul is stable enough to support his body. Meaning eventually Magnus would be able to support himself.” She paused and continued to think “But on the other hand Izzy’s got a point, it’s incredibly dangerous. It would put strain on your body Alec, and if you were to die before Magnus’s soul was able to grow, he would be put in a terrible position. Plus, there’s also your parabatai bond to take account of. Having one connection to Jace, and one to Magnus could put too much pressure on both of the bonds and could weaken them, or instead weaken you.”   
Jace now stood from his desk chair coming around to stand in front of all of them, “But technically mine and Alec’s bond comes from the soul, whereas the one with Magnus would come from his energy source.” His eyes met Alec’s, and Alec saw a flicker of pride in them, a speckle of knowing. Jace knew what Alec was feeling and could tell how much he needed to do this. Not for the first time he was glad that his parabatai bond shared emotions as well as strengths.   
“Let me do this Catarina, please. I’ll stay off mission if I have to until his soul is strong, please. I need him back” he added the last part under his breath, not knowing if anyone actually heard it or not. Catarina gave him a knowing look. Although the two hadn’t known each other long she knew how dedicated he was, especially how much he needed Magnus back, Alec figured she probably felt the same way. From what Magnus had told him Catarina Ragnar and Magnus used to be quite a trio.  
She let out a heavy sigh and let her shoulders slump. “Fine, but if something bad happens you can’t blame me. And I’ll only do it if everyone agrees. I’d rather you do it with me to protect you than without.”  
“I’m in” Jace said almost instantly answering Caterina’s question.   
“I trust Jace, if he’s in I’m in” Clary said from the back of the room. She had been completely silent the entire time, flicking through a large book on greater demons. Everyone’s eyes landed on Alec’s sister, throughout this whole prosses she’d been the most level-headed one, keeping them from jumping into things. she looked right back at Alec, holding eye contact as emotions flipped through her eyes like a motion picture. After what felt like ages of holding her stare, she sighed and gave a small, subtle nod.   
“I’m only doing this because I know you need it, Alec”  
“Well then, I guess we better start preparing.”

Alec was physically and mentally drained, but the thought of getting Magnus back was more than enough to keep him stalking around the empty, vast hallways of the St Maria Sopra church in Rome.   
The hallways were like a maze, filled to the ceiling with old paintings of biblical figures, the Angles depicted in the pictures where no ware near the angels Alec had seen in the past few months.  
Alec couldn’t keep his mind off Magnus, he wanted the night to go faster, just get it over with so at least he knew if he would be able to get his love back again. They’d contacted Catarina, Malcolm and a few lesser warlocks to help them with the ritual they were going to complete. The ritual was mostly safe for everyone involved anyway. To summon Asmodeus they had to come to a large, holy church in order to assure he couldn’t be let loose onto the City of Rome.   
Everything that was going to happen in the next few hours solely depended on how much Alec could sweet talk Magnus’s father, and how much Asmodeus was willing to give up. Alec was going to ask if he could trade for Magnus’s immortality back or be taken to wherever Magnus was in one of hell's sub-dimensions. The rest of the group didn’t know that though, they thought Alec was just offering goods, not his life.   
Alec wasn’t really the self-sacrificing type, especially if it was unnecessarily unreasonable, but the thing is he wanted to be with Magnus again. No matter what it would cost. Since Alec wouldn’t technically be dead then the parabatai bond would be intact, and Izzy had a lot of support and she would do just well on her own. He knew his family would miss him if he had to leave but he also knew they were strong enough to get through it.   
Coming into the main room of the church, which was lined with slowly rotting wooden pews and tens of statues and busts of Moses, Mary and other important people from the mundane bible. Alec only knew of them because of the Mundane studies he’d done, Shadowhunters and the normal world viewed Angels, God and religion very differently. Mundane’s looked at them with uncertainty, as beings who would guide them and give them mercy. But Shadowhunters knew the Angels were unforgiving and heartless. Giving only what they wished when they wished it.   
As he reached the center of the main room, he saw Caterina bent down on the ground, finishing the large black pentagram on the floor. Connecting the last line to the main circle. She stood and stretched her back; she had a heavy book in her left hand that was inscribed in a language even Alec couldn’t read.   
“Okay, everyone is going to have to stand back. I’ve never summoned a demon of this power before so I’m not sure what’s going to happen, it’s better to keep your space.”  
Jace, Izzy and Clary all took a large step back, going to stand in line with the first row of pews. Alec took a much smaller step back, he wanted to make sure he was close enough that Asmodeus would know that Alec is the one he should be talking with.   
Catarina gave Alec a hard glare, a warning to not so anything stupid before she herself took a hard step back and heaved open the spell book. She began speaking a language Alec couldn’t put his finger on, but the words sounded sharp. He vaguely recognised the spell from his experience with the Crimson Hand and realised it was probably the same chant, it would make sense.  
“Asmodeus est vere densissima meum et vocavi te dare me quinque princeps” she finished, almost shouting the final words. As soon as she closed her mouth red smoke filled the room, cantering around the altar in the middle of the church were the pentagram was drawn. A heavy shadow began to morph out of the smoke, the red dust twisting and contorting to form the sharp edges of Asmodeus. As soon as his body began to materialise Alec’s body began to bubble with anger. The only thing stopping Alec from leaping on the horrific demon in front of his was the fact that if Alec attacked him he definitely wouldn’t be getting Magnus back, no matter how much unholy ground they were on.   
As Asmodeus began to fully appear and the smoke cleared Alec noticed that he was in the same despicable suit from their meeting in Edom. The prince slowly opened his eyes, revealing the gleaming cat eyes that didn’t belong to him. Those eyes are Magnus’s he deserves them, you don’t. He opened them so slowly it was as if he was toying with them, knowing who it was and what they wanted. His voice echoed through the lifeless church walls.   
“These are the lands of the Crimson Hand, what brings you Shadowhunters here. This isn’t your summoning ground. Did you not learn from your last encounter with me? Edom was it? Ah yes how could I forget; I got my son back thanks to you.” Alec’s body shook with rage. This demon was playing with them. Teasing them. Alec just had to hold out. Had to be resilient.   
“Asmodeus, Prince of Edom. I am Alexander Lightwood. I summoned you here to make a deal with you-” The Prince of Hell cut him off.  
“Ah yes, the young Shadowhunter. Magnus’s ex-lover. You held a big part of his heart. I felt your attachment to his energy when I took it.” The demon's voice was raspy and playful, Alec gritted his teeth, fighting to stop his emotions from showing on his face. He didn’t want to let Asmodeus know that he was winning. Alec ignored his statement.   
“I have come to ask for a favor on the land of the Crimson Hand. Years ago, you promised the people of this church that you would give them one thing, if they needed it. We, as Shadowhunters, standing in the memory of the Crimson Hand request for that favor.” Asmodeus paused and looked up at the large glass windows thoughtfully as if he was backtracking on his promises.   
“I suppose I did promise that, and since the Crimson Hand no longer exists, I suppose you get that favor. What do you request Nephilim?” A wave of relief washed through Alec. This was going well. They could get Magnus back. They really could.   
“We would like Magnus Bane to be brought back to this world. Soul and body. Taken from Edom and brought back here.” Asmodeus all but laughed. Shaking his head at the ground.  
“I should have known. Very well, I will do as you ask. Bring his body and soul back, but I cannot promise they will stay together Nephilim. I have gotten what I needed from him anyway.” Asmodeus’s face grew into a violent grin. There was going to be some sort of twist Alec knew it. The demon probably wasn’t expecting the connection the two of them had planned. But still, this seemed too easy. Alec didn’t care, he didn’t dare double think what just happened. Magnus would be back. Maybe not completely himself, maybe not completely strong, but still there.   
The red smoke began to rise up once again around the room, this time darker, creating a thick wall between Asmodeus and the rest of the room. All Alec could see was the red of Asmodeus’s magic and the gleaming, evil glare coming from a pair of cat eyes shining through the fog. The eyes shifted, very slightly, subtle but noticeable, the evil gleam from the demon's eyes shifted to a soft shine. They were Magnus’s.


	6. Reflection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus gets back and shit goes down

Red light swirled around the centre of the church and the silhouette of Asmodeus began to morph into a more familiar one. The solidifying outline was unmistakably Magnus’s with his soft shoulders and angular hips that Alec absolutely adored. The red light began to flicker and disintegrate, revealing more and more of Magnus’s figure.   
As soon as Alec was sure that Magnus was really there he ran forward, unable to hold himself back anymore. For so many weeks Alec had wished for just one more moment with Magnus, and he wasn’t going to waste this moment, or the next, or the one after that. Alec hastily dropped his bow and quiver on the ground and ran up to where Magnus was standing, as Alec approached, he could see that Magnus was covered in red dirt, his hair was matted and pulled in every direction. The warlock's shoulders were hunched over heavily and his body showed no sign of stability, even his clothes were crinkled and torn.   
It physically hurt Alec to see Magnus in this horrific broken state, but that emotion was quickly pushed aside by the utter relief filling his veins. He was going to get Magnus back. As Alec reached Magnus the last of the red particles cleared away and the force that was holding Magnus up disappeared as the warlock began crumpling to the ground. Alec, thankful that he’d activated every rune under the sun, managed to grab Magnus just before he hit the ground. Magnus was completely limp, and his body was heavy, or a moment Alec was confident Magnus wasn’t breathing, but after a few terrifying seconds of taking Magnus in Alec noticed his chest lightly rising and falling. Alec breathed for what felt like the first time in weeks. Letting out a choked breath of relief that he had Magnus Bane in his arms, alive.   
It was then that he realized that his brother and sister had come up to stand beside him. “Alec” Jace began but he cut them off, a huge smile breaking onto his face.  
“He’s breathing” Alec gripped onto the warlock as tight as he could without hurting him, clasping as tightly as he could to the scent of him and the feel of his soft skin. He knew he had to get Magnus to some medics who could properly look him over, but he didn’t want to let the man in his arms go, just in case he magically disappeared once Alec’s hands left him.   
It was Caterina who broke Alec’s somewhat self-centred moment of relief. “Alec, we have to perform this binding spell now or his soul won't be able to stay connected to his body.” Alec looked up at Caterina, and for a slight second he felt like a small child, looking into the eyes of a concerned mother. He nodded once at Caterina and grasped one of Magnus’s limp hands.   
“Tell me what to do.”  
Caterina quickly explained that Alec had to focus on channelling his energy into Magnus, as she tried to- as she explained- essentially jump-start his soul. Alec closed his eyes and reached deep down inside him, feeling the power from his runes flooding his body, and pushing past it clasping for a deeper, stronger energy. He focused on the soft pulse going through Magnus’s hand and breathed in time with it. He felt the soft calluses of Magnus’s hand and focused on that skin, the pulse point on his hand. He reached deep into himself and clasped around his energy force. Pulling it out to the surface, and then connecting the two ideas. That energy that Alec had, that energy that was not his, but theirs, and Magnus’s heartbeat. Caterina spoke a string of unfamiliar words and Alec felt a wave of magic rush over him. He could feel that energy that he’d pushed to the surface spring out through his hand, and into Magnus’s. The warlock's pulse became more dominant and Alec could feel a small spark of magic come from Magnus’s hands. All the energy Alec had taken from himself was leaving, rapidly and he began to feel weak. Not dangerously weak but he definitely wouldn’t be able to fight any more than a single shax demon. As Caterina stopped speaking and Alec felt the energy flow begin to slow, he opened his eyes, his eyelids feeling heavier than usual. His grip on Magnus’s hand had loosened but Magnus’s grip on his hand definitely increased. Alec didn’t even look up at the others in the room, instead he focused every section of energy he had left on Magnus. He moved his free hand to the warlock’s cheek, softly running a finger across his soft cheekbone.   
“Magnus” he all but whispered, eyes focusing on the warlock’s slowly rising and falling chest. His breathing was more obvious now and was obviously coming through his mouth with his chest rising and falling normally. “Magnus” Alec whispered again, pleading for him to open his eyes.  
As if responding to Alec’s word the warlock’s eye’s flickered open.   
But his eyes weren’t as shiny as they used to be. It was obvious that this was a side effect of his soul still being week, but having seen Asmodeus’s cat eyes so strong, and now Magnus’s so weak it made his hate the demon even more.   
“Hey, hey. Magnus, you’re okay, hear me?” Magnus took a few seconds to listen to his words before blinking his eyes a few times and giving his hand a squeeze.   
“Alec” he breathed out, a small smile forming on his face. Alec felt an overwhelming wave of relief, love and hope wash over him, he didn’t know what to do with his hands, with his body. Alec wanted to kiss Magnus all over, to clasp him in his arms and never let go, to close his eyes and feel the energy connection between them.   
Instead of doing that he simply ran his hands through Magnus’s matted hair, softly splitting the glittery knots.   
“Magnus, you’re here. It's okay you’re back. Safe” Magnus looked around the room. Constantly coming back to Alec's face. He looked dumbfounded.   
“Alec. Alec why can I feel you… my magic doesn’t feel normal. What happened? We were in Edom and I-” Alec cut him off, not wanting to recall the literal hell that was Edom.   
“It's okay, we got you back. and don’t worry about the magic, you’re safe trust me, Caterina said so.” Magnus’s eyes grew softer at the sound of Caterina’s name and he let out a sigh of relief, placing his hand on Alec’s neck, stroking his cheekbone. Alec felt the soft prints of Magnus’s fingers and let out a shaky breath, his voice managing to break through breathing. Alec bent down to the warlock in his lap and pressed their lips together. Alec could feel Magnus’s lips shaking under him, but the kiss tasted soft with relief. And now, only know did Alec allow himself to breathe because now Magnus was back for good and Alec could kiss him again.

It took almost three days of intense care for Magnus to fully walk by himself and use the basics of his magic, which in Caterina’s eyes was enough for Magnus to go home, although after a private conversation she agreed that Alec should also go and stay at Magnus’s apartment, for the sake of their bond, which they hadn’t told Magnus about yet. Caterina had sneakily left that one for the shadowhunter to deal with.   
As the door to Magnus’s apartment closed behind Alec he let out a breath, for so long he hadn’t allowed himself to come here and look in this apartment, but now when he walked in he could feel Magnus close, he could feel his body become more energized as Magnus became nearer, he wandered if Magnus could feel it too.   
Alec padded his feet across the soft carpet until he came to the main sitting room. Seeing Magnus sitting calmly on one of his large love seats. His hands where smoothly swirling around, his blue sparks of magic following. His face looked curious and his eyes were intent on analysing the particles.   
“Alexander, welcome home” Although Magnus directly spoke to him, his eyes didn’t move, still focused on his magic. Alec moved forward and planted a soft kiss on the top of the warlock’s head, feeling a sudden spark of energy pass through his lips.   
Alec knew they had to talk. Not just about the newly created energy bond, but about them. Neither of them had gotten the chance to actually talk about the whole immortality thing and what was in them for the future.  
Magnus froze.   
“Alec” Magnus’s voice sounded tense and confronting. “since I just came back from the dead, I think I deserve to know, what that was.”  
“I-” Alec began to stutter, becoming aware that Magnus would have also felt the jolt of energy that was passed through Alec's forehead kiss. Not knowing how to even begin confronting the situation he turned around and took a step away from the sofa. He’d spent the last three days worrying about Magnus, and how he would react to the information, he hadn’t actually figured out how he would tell Magnus yet. “Magnus, to get you back we- I-” Magnus finally removed his attention from his hand, turning his entire body around to face his boyfriend.   
“Don’t you dare tell me you did some self-sacrificing crap Alexander, or I swear I’m dragging your ass over to Caterina's to undo it.” Alec sunk his head not his hands, shaking it as he rattled his mind for the write words, or in fact any words to say.   
“No, even when I tried Izzy and Jace wouldn’t dare let me risk my own life” Magnus cut him off again.   
“Then Alexander, why can I feel you in my magic, why do I feel stronger when you’re around. And don’t tell me I'm imagining it because I’ve lived hundreds of years and never felt whatever the hell this is.” Alec slumped more from his place near the dining table, trying to organize his thoughts. Three days was definitely not enough time to sift through your own head.   
“Magnus, please just let me talk.” Magnus gave a small nod and lowered his hands to his lap, eyes focusing on Alec.   
“Okay, so about a week ago we had nothing, I was at my breaking point, we had absolutely no way to get you back. then Jace found this church in Rome. Remember the Crimson Hand? From our time in Europe? Yeah well, they had a cult in Rome and Asmodeus owed them. So, we summoned him, and he gave you back to us.” Alec took a breath, figuring out how to word the rest of his explanation. “but Caterina said that you wouldn’t be strong enough to form back to this world, your soul and body would be disconnected. So, we found a connection we could do, like when I share my energy with you. So, like you’re constantly taking some of my energy, just to keep you stable until your soul is strong enough to live without my help.” Alec stopped talking and was left in silence.  
He looked up at Magnus, taking all he had to meet his eyes. Magnus’s eye were brick walls, nothing was readable, he was simply staring right at Alec, not for the first time in the past week Alec felt like a child. Like he’d done something wrong.   
It took a few seconds for Magnus to open his mouth.   
“Alexander, you absolute idiot. The sacrifice is greatly appreciated, truly, but you can't just throw away your energy, your lifeforce like that. You’re barely 19 and you’re still weak, I could easily completely drain by doing any form of large spell.” Alec felt something crack inside him. For weeks he had focused on nothing but Magnus, had done everything in his power to get him back, and doing it in the safest way possible, and now everyone was treating him like he was immature and irresponsible. He was legally an adult; he could make decisions for himself.   
“Stop treating me like a child goddamit! I’ve spent the last month locked in that bloody institute library looking for any form of way to get you back! I looked through every single book, I’m not a child Magnus, I can make my own choices! And when it comes to your entire life? The choice is easy. This is why we didn’t work, you treat me like I’m a child, like I’m your lesser, but I’m supposed to be your equal. You won't let me into your past, how am I supposed to know you and be your equal when you know everything about me and I know literally nothing about you!”   
Alec knew his argument was unreasonable, knew it was unfair to talk about something Magnus was so self-conscious about, but he was just angry.   
Magnus was silent for quite a while, the only noise in the room was the rapid breathing from Alec, who was desperately trying to calm himself down.   
“I’m sorry, I know that was unfair I shouldn’t have yelled at you.” Magnus shook his head, breaking eye contact.   
“No Alexander, it’s fine. You’re under stress I understand, I’m sorry I put you through that, I didn’t mean to treat you like that I just- it's hard for me to speak about my past. You know that.” He paused focusing on something far off in the distance. Alec could almost see the brick walls behind his eyes cracking sparks of emotion breaking through.   
“I did write a notebook, started to write down my life. Just the important parts and if you want you can read it, I’m comfortable with that, you deserve it and I want you to know me... And thank you, for putting your life aside to help me.” Instead of taking time to process this, like he knew he should, instead he got up from his place at the table and came around to sit next to the warlock. He didn’t want to think about the logistics of this. Of Magnus writing down his life for him, or what it meant for them as a couple. He didn’t want to think about their shared bond, of the possible energy loss. Instead all he wanted to do was be near Magnus, so that’s what he did.


	7. Interception

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, lovelies! Sorry the update took a while, my exams start in a week so I've been busy with study and tests. This chapter's about 500 words shorter than usual so sorry about that as well but I wanted the next section to start at a new chapter because it felt more fitting. I don't know when the next chapter'll be out but ill do my best, enjoy :)

It had been over a week since Magnus had arrived back from Edom and Alec still hadn’t opened the diary the warlock had given him as a symbol of what was to come in the future. He’d spent hours staring at it, while Magnus was asleep. The journal was dark red and leather-bound. All the pages were bent or curved, and the spine was creased, showing a lot of wear. Alec knew that in these pages included so many aspects of Magnus’s life that he didn’t yet know about. They would be laced with secrets and influential moments in his life. Past relationships, tragedies, friendships, everything. These pages were memories, memories that Magnus was now willing to share. To be honest, it daunted Alec, for so many months he’d wanted to know what made Magnus Magnus, and now that he had that in front of him he didn’t know what to do with it. It felt like an invasion of privacy.   
Magnus had told him he was comfortable with Alec reading these memories, but there was so many pages, so much complexity to Magnus’s life.   
Magnus was currently asleep in the bedroom, he’d spent the last few days sleeping, slowly spending more and more time standing upright. He was slowly becoming more and more himself, and even with Alec’s energy flowing into him the warlock still needed to recharge. Caterina had been doing daily check-ups on him, making sure that he was actually getting better. On yesterday’s check-up she had informed him that he was in fact getting better, and at a pretty steady pace, although she still didn’t know how long their bond would have to last.   
Alec laid his hand over the leather cover of the journal, running his fingers along the edges, trying, for the fourth time in the past two days, to will himself to open it. He grasped the front cover and slowly turned it over. He was met with a mostly blank page, the only thing on it was in the top corner, Magnus’s loopy handwriting almost glowed out of the page. Alec slowly read it, wanting to take in every word Magnus had written. ‘My Alexander, count this as the first installment to everything I want to share with you. Thank you for letting me open my heart to you, Magnus’ He took in the words, trying to memorize them. He knew this was a big step in their relationship, but he still had no idea where this would take them.   
He turned the page.   
The entire page was littered with words, loops and spirals flowing from line to line, and with a shaky breath Alec dived into the abyss of Magnus. 

After thirty minutes on reading page after page (he didn’t know how many pages, the pages weren’t numbered) the bedroom door behind Alec opened. He had to force his eyes away from the pages of Magnus’s journal. He was right in the middle of one of the memories about Peru, and by the angel he hadn’t realized how chaotic Magnus used to be when he was younger, he was realizing he never really had those rebellious, fun teenage years, and he was in awe of Magnus and his utter freeness with the world. Alec had spent so many years being repressed and hiding behind his adoptive brother, that instead of having that freeness he lived through Jace’s.   
“Magnus, how’d you sleep” Magnus was covered in a soft velvet robe which shimmered in the afternoon sunlight as the warlock stretched his back, eerily mirroring actions the chairman had done on thousands of occasions.   
Magnus hummed as he stretched, yawning. “very well, although I am starting to grow quite sick of that mattress, it’s at least a century old, and is probably quite musky now that I think about it” he walked closer to Alec, peering over his shoulder at the open book resting on his lap. “Reading I see, Peru? Ah yes, that one’s quite a… disaster.” Alec could tell Magnus was mumbling on in order to hide his nervousness.   
Alec closed the book and turned around, coming face to face with his lover “you know that none of this makes me think lesser of you right?” Magnus’s eyes grew soft, and Alec could see a quiet sparkle of love in the yellow-green cat eyes.   
“I’m glad Alexander, I hope you keep enjoying it, I have done a lot of things in not the proudest of, but the ones in that book are the ones that meant the most to me, all the way up until I met you” Magnus paused for a few seconds. His eyes glistening “in fact I think I may actually speak about you in there, yes I remember our first kiss, that’s in there” Alec took his lovers words in, swallowing them whole and letting them consume him.   
“that’s in here? With all of these life-changing stories, you put our first kiss in here?”   
“of course, Alexander, it did change my life” the warlock leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss to Alec’s mouth, a kiss that spoke of love and knowing, knowing that this was where they were both comfortable and felt at peace.   
As Magnus broke apart, he spoke once more, “Plus, I wouldn’t want to forget you falling down the stairs, my agile Shadowhunter” Alec’s face instantly flushed, and he did his best to hide it against the soft material of the chair. He let out a groan and an aggressive shake of his head.   
“Nope, nope! I don’t want to remember the stairs part. Please don’t ever tell Jace or he’ll never let it go” his words managed to get out of the velvet his face was smashed into and he herd a soft chuckle from the warlock above him.   
“No promises Alexander, next time you step on the Chairman’s tail there will be consequences.” At this exact time, as if sensing they were talking about him, the Chairman himself paced in and chose that Alec’s leg was a good scratching post. Alec let out a little welp of pain before taking the cat in his arms and placing it on his lap.   
“see Magnus! He loves me there’s no need to threaten me” Magnus gave a little eye roll before straightening up and walking to the kitchen, Alec, content on spending the most time with Magnus possible, and wanting to stay as close to him at all time for the bond sake, put the cat down- at which the chairman hissed at- and followed the other man.   
“You know you don’t have to be thirty centimeters away from me at all times, I’m not going to crumble” Magnus spoke as Alec came into the kitchen. Magnus was ruffling through the cabinets for something, presumably a coffee cup.   
Alec edged himself closer and wrapped an arm around his boyfriend’s waist.   
“so I’m not allowed to want to be close to my boyfriend?”   
“I didn’t say that, I just don’t want you to worry about me” Magnus, finding what he was looking for straightened up, placing the cup underneath the coffee machine and turned around o Alec, who now had both of his hands on Magnus’s hips.   
“Magnus, of course, I’m going to worry about you. I’m a Shadowhunter, I was literally bred to protect things, and you just came back from the dead. I think my point stands” Magnus let out a huff of acceptance and instead of fighting Alec back, he simply wrapped his arms around the other's neck and snuggled his head in the crook of Alec’s neck. Alec, accepting that he had fully won this one followed suit, pulling Magnus as close to him as possible and taking in his scent of sandalwood. Calm energy flowed through his body, he could feel the comfort in Magnus’s body and could sense the safety he felt through their bond. Alec let his words flow out of his mouth, in a single breath he spoke them, with more passion than he’d ever wanted to feel   
“I love you, Magnus Bane.”  
The statement was final, definitive and he knew it was the truest thing he’d ever said. The strength and warmth he felt through his body was almost overwhelming, and he knew that some of it was coming from Magnus, he didn’t know how much but he knew that they where stronger together, and that if he felt the power from Magnus that the warlock would also be able to feel the rawness in his words.   
The two stood like that for what felt like years. Holding each other close and taking comfort in the energy they shared. Not focusing on time or the outside world. It wasn’t until Alec’s phone went off that they broke. The text he received was short, straight to the point.   
“My mother texted me, says there’s been a demon sighting on the upper east side of the city. I probably have to attend to it, considering I’ve been on so little missions over the past months. The Clave can’t seem to accept in a ‘war hero ‘or whatever they call me” Alec watched as Magnus nodded and shooed him off, telling him to ‘go do his Shadowhuntery business.’ Alec walked out the door, already feeling a soft weakness in himself, nothing to physically strain him but just a lack of energy. He hoped Magnus should spend the day resting, he really didn’t want to push the limits of this bond, and he suspected intense magic on top of demon hunting really wouldn’t be a good mix. He quickly sent his boyfriend a quick text, telling him to take it slow and hurried off to the New York institute.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos/comments appreciated, but I hope you enjoyed, and I'm working on a playlist so if anyone's interested ill be linking it soon xx


	8. Eradication

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to chapter 8, sorry for the wait, schools been hell and I'm currently in the middle of exams so oops. Once again I don't know if I'll stop at 9 chapters or if I'll keep going, we'll see where it takes me. Enjoy :)

After half an hour of walking Alec largely regretted not asking Magnus to portal him to the New York Institute. He’d forgotten how long the walk was, even when he did use the busy public trains. By the time he finally heaved open the rustic wooden doors and walked into the Institute the afternoon sun was already high, and he could physically feel a strain on his energy. He even had to lean against the wall while he was waiting for the cranky elevator, which creaked and grumbled as it took him up a floor. When he walked out of said elevator he was strictly met with Church, the local institute cat, who gave him a very angry meow and began to strut down the hall, carrying his slightly rounded body down the corridor. Alec had lived with the bloody cat for so long that he could almost understand what the feline was saying, _come with me, I’ll take you to them_. He eagerly followed the cat, aiming to find Jace and get this mission over with so he could get back to Magnus’s apartment and make sure his boyfriend was okay, and then maybe take a nap himself, his eyes where felling distinctly heavier than usual, and a bed sounded like a lovely place at this particular time. The cat manoeuvred himself around the empty institute, squirming and sprinting under chairs, and over cabinets, knowing Alec wouldn’t be able to follow him through the obstacle course, _show off_ . Church led him all the way to the Institute library, let out another angry howl and walked off. _Here you are_.

Alec didn’t want to open the library door. He’d spent so many sleepless nights cranked into the library shelfs that the idea of walking back in there in daylight and seeing all those empty plates and things he’d left in there really didn’t tickle his fancy. He was honestly terrified of getting back into the same mindset he’d been in a few weeks ago, he knew he needed to be emotionally strong as possible so Magnus could heal. That was all that was important right now. Magnus had given so much for him and his family back in Edom and Alec was determined to pay him back, in every way he could.

Exhaling a deep breath, he pushed open the wooden doors, which opened easily under his touch despite their weight. He was met with a similar scene to that at which he had dealt with little over a week ago, with Clary, Jace and Izzy all hurdled in the library. The only difference was that instead of rags and pyjamas everyone was fully geared up and looked a lot less stressed. Generally, a better sight than last time Alec concluded.

“Alec” It was Jace, looking up from his conversation with Clary. “Thanks for coming, how’s Magnus doing?” Alec really appreciated how hard his family tried to include Magnus in their lives, he knew Jace could feel his worry and was only asking out of making sure Alec was okay, but he still longed for the day where they began to ask out of worry for Magnus and not Alec.

“Yeah, yes, he’s doing okay, he’s on his feet a lot more” this got a respective nod from Jace and a worried look from Izzy.

“Alec… what about you, like your energy levels. Are you okay? Is it too much strain on you? If it is, I’m sure Magnus would understand-” Alec swiftly cut her off.

“Izzy, I’m fine don’t worry, if I wasn’t Jace would be able to tell, right Jace?” Jace gave a grunt and a soft nod in agreeance before fully turning the conversation towards the topic of the demons .

“There’s a herd of demons on the upper east side of the city, Mum said she’s alerted the Conclave but we’d most likely have to deal with it ourselves.” Clary chimed in, adding extra information.

“We’re pretty sure they’re not native demons, they don’t match any of the attack patterns any of the New York demons usually follow.” Alec did his best to take in this information, forcing himself to push Magnus to the back of his mind. It wasn’t often they came across unfamiliar demons in New York, most of the exotic ones stuck to places like Amsterdam and Hong Kong, where they were more likely to go unnoticed, and the institutes where weaker.

“Very well, we better head over then. Make sure to bring extra weapons since we don’t know what we’re dealing with, I’ll send Mum a fire message letting her know we’re on it.” With that everyone nodded and disbanded, funnelling out of the library.

Alec was very aware that Maryse didn’t yet know about the link Alec and Magnus shared, she knew the warlock was back in London but Alec had been very careful to make everything sound as vague as possible, he didn’t need another reason for his parents to disprove of his relationship. They had to alert the Clave almost instantly, considering Magnus was the High Warlock of Brooklyn, but the Clave didn’t yet have any information on how they got Magnus back, Alec and Caterina had agreed to tell them they didn’t know either, and that it was a lucky escape. There were more than hundreds of holes in the story they told, and he could tell not even his mother believed what he was telling them, but so far the Clave had just been happy with the return of their Warlock representative.

It took the four of them little under half an hour to get to the marked demon sighting, where they quickly whipped out all of their equipment and began to scour the aria, looking for any sign that a demon had in fact been there. According to the report they received an unknown demon had invaded a small house party, no one died but a few where hurt. As soon as they’d had a brief over, agreeing that splitting up would be the best way to collect the most information, they broke apart, Izzy dragging Clary away to scour the outside of the house, murmuring something about Simon, which left Jace and Alec to interrogate the inside.

“Alright, let’s go, once we get in, I’ll take the upstairs and you get the downstairs. ” Jace broke the silence with a simple command, taking the lead in the situation, one they were both familiar with from the hundreds of missions they’d been on together, Alec gave a swift nod, always grateful for how they seemed to understand each other without words, and led the other into the house, grasping one of his Seraph blades and naming it _Uriel, _the soft glow from the _Adamas_ provided a dull light to the entryway to the house, he could see soft shadows of the remains of a party, red solo cups thrown everywhere and all the outdated furniture was mildly skewed.

He felt Jace leave his side and heard - thanks to his hearing rune - him softly clamber up the stars. Alec stepped forward, entering the main room and grabbing his witchlight in his free hand, letting it light up the room, blinding out the light from his blade. He could see more clearly, just how much the room was in disarray. He hadn’t attended many parties in his life, the only ones he’d really been to are the ones the Clave held after the war and the Chairman’s birthdays Magnus held, so he never really knew what a college party would look like, but this is somehow exactly what he’d expected. The entire room smelled highly of alcohol, with a lingering tinge of oak. It was stuffy and he could feel the dirt of the room stick to his skin. As he took in the room, he noticed the first few things that were out of place, there was a small patch of ichor near the couch and the mirror above the mantle was distinctly broken. Saying that, it was difficult to tell what came from the demon attack and what came from the musky party. He followed the room around, noticing that the ichor almost made a path, meaning the demon had been hurt, enough to let it bleed. As well as that, the goop looked mostly fresh, it hadn’t crusted over yet and still smelled distinctly of sulphur. He suddenly became very cautious as he came to a dark kitchen, he was going to step over the threshold onto tile until he heard a disturbed scraping sound. He quickly put the witchlight into his pocket, cutting out the light and relying on his blade to lead his way. Slowly he stepped into the hard tile, making sure to lead light footsteps as to not alert the demon too much of his presence. It was then that he saw a soft flicker of movement in the darkness, and he leaped, managing to land on the demon, and letting it shake him around for a few seconds while he maintained his grip. He could feel the demon’s slimy scales underneath him, yet he couldn’t see it for all he knew it would have four faces. Then, rather swiftly he cut through the back of what Alec could only assume would be the demons neck with his seraph blade, and heard as the thing let out a curdling screech as it began to shrink and fold in on itself, leaving Alec kneeling on the ground, catching his breath. He instantly tried to stand but was momentarily knocked back down by a wave of nausea and a static sensation in his eyes. His energy levels where low, he could feel it and he just hoped Magnus wasn’t having the same issue. He gave himself a moment to regain his balance, closing his eyes while focusing on his breath before standing up and lighting his witchlight once again.

Now that the kitchen was light, he could see that it was, like the previous room, small, dirty and free on any demons. Content that this was the end of this aria he turned around and began to head to a door that probably led to a bathroom.

He heard a scream.

And ran.

It came from outside and he instantly recognised the bloodcurdling yelp as one of Clary’s. He ran out the front door, leaping over the _ichor_ and old cups until he was in the fresh air of New York. Instantly he could see a group of about ten _Raum_ demons, each one wriggling around their white tentacles. One of them had wrapped its tentacles around Clary and was holding her close to its perfectly circular mouth, its aggressive teeth squirming to get a grasp on her. Alec, without thinking, once again leapt onto the demon holding Clary, and drew his Seraph blade down its back, the demon wailed and let Clary go, swivelling its tentacles around to try and grasp Alec, he was about to deliver a killing blow to the demon when another pair of greasy arms wrapped around him and he was hauled into the air, swiftly landing on his back, using all of his force he got up again and jumped right into battle, slashing as many demons in one blow as he could.

He was beginning to feel a dangerous drain on his energy, and he could feel his _parabatai_ bond burning, slow and icy. He knew something was very, _very_ wrong, but if he didn’t fight off these demons then he would be dead, so the priority was clear. He could see Izzy and Clary dancing around him, slashing things left and right but for every demon they killed, more seemed to appear, and it seemed there was no way out, the three of them where stuck there slicing and heaving demons off of them as fast as they could. It wasn’t until the sea of demons began to clear that he let himself really feel the burning pain in his _parabatai_ bond, letting it overtake him, the burning began to take a real effect and he could feel his skin peeling, and then his insides. He let out a hiss as he hit another demon, slicing through a particular tentacle that was coming towards him, he could feel his eyes begin to droop and his knees begin to wobble, it felt like he was going to collapse any minute struggling to keep himself upright, the burning in his lower torso was becoming unbearable. He felt the burning sensation move up his body and he couldn’t help but vocalise his pain as he clenched his teeth shut, he dropped his seraph blade as his hands began to lose their sense of strength and he let his knees give out.

The pain in his body was so strong he was sure was going to die from it, and he was begging to lose the sense of what was around him, the battle surrounding him beginning to become a motion of blurs as he let out a vile scream, which tore through him all the way from the deepest depth of his soul, his bond. He felt some strings begin to pull and tug inside him to a point where the pressure within his body was so tense it felt like if he moved it would snap, at this point he was holding his shirt in his hands, and there were tears of pain slipping out of his eyes as the pure agony overtook him. His yells of pain began filling his ears as he curled up as tight as possible. He couldn’t think at all. He could feel the strength inside him momentarily leave and for a split second he became nothing but weakness. He willed his entire body to hold on to that energy that was connected to Magnus, but he could feel his soul start to tug. His skin felt like it was on fire and his internals where being dunked in piles of ice, the strength he usually held while standing and fighting was weakening and he could feel something leave, getting violently ripped out of his body, he could feel his heart drop and he let out one final scream of pain.

And then it stopped.

He opened his eyes, becoming nauseous from the pain he just experienced, he could see a very panicked Izzy above him, yelling his name, but he couldn’t hear her, his ears where ringing. He let himself blink a few times, trying to regain his sense of being, before finally coming back to himself. It took his a few seconds to realise that something was very, very wrong with his body, he only knew because he felt empty. It felt as if his personality had been taken and he felt unsupported, as if a walking stick that had been supporting him for his entire life was ripped away from him.

Izzy’s voice finally floated into his ears, a bundle of _Alec’s _and _what’s wrong, tell me what’s wrong_. Alec wasn’t stupid, he’d read about what he just felt before, he knew in his heart what it was, but he didn’t want to admit it. He had heard hundreds of accounts of people losing their _parabatai_, the pain and loss that those Shadowhunters went through, but he never imagined he’d go through it himself.

Slowly, terrified of the answer, he lifted up the shirt of his gear, letting himself look at the now blank space of skin where the safety of the Parabatai bond would have been, should have been.

But it wasn’t.

“He’s gone”


	9. Regret

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, it took so long to get this chapter out, I've just been uninspired, but the fic had once again been extended by three chapters as I keep getting new ideas. I   
also probably won't get another chapter up before Christmas so Merry Christmas or happy holidays to all y'all, enjoy xx (also this is unbeta'd so all mistakes are my own)

Alec laid there in shock, Izzy panicking over him, he couldn’t think right, all he could feel was _empty_ and _wrong_. He didn’t now what to do, how he was supposed to deal with this, or even what had happened. He had a feeling of nothingness in his stomach, as if the part of him that has given him life had been sucked out. His body was empty, there was a hole in his soul that he didn’t know how to fill. The only thing he could think of was that Jace was dead. The books had been wrong, what he felt wasn’t undying pain, it was just undying. There was no physical hurt, no screeching pain anymore, but his soul was empty. The pain wasn’t physical, it was that of emotion and support. The sustainability he used to have, that emotional shoulder he could always lean on was gone and he felt like he was lost in an abyss.

“Alec! Alec talk to me! What happened? Is Jace okay? Alec!” Alec could hear the words his sister was screaming at him, but they didn’t process in his head. He knew they were words and he knew what they meant but he couldn’t put them together. He felt so distant, so disconnected from everything going on around him that he barely knew where he was. It was as if he was stuck in his own brain. The world around him happening and him having no power to change anything. His entire body felt week he had had that support of his parabatai since he was eleven, the part of his should he’d given to Jace has been replaced by the others, but now that was gone, and he just has less of everything.

He’d seen people lose their parabatai before, seen the empty shell of a person they were afterwards, and now he knew what they felt, or rather what they didn’t feel. He couldn’t even remember what having a parabatai felt like, it was as if this sudden emptiness had consumed him.

He was nothing.

Izzy was flailing and panicking above her brother, she’d just seen him collapse in front of her and had experienced the most heart wrenching screams she’d ever felt. She’d been yelling and screaming at him for the past five minutes, but he’d only said three words and lifted his shirt, to reveal an empty stomach. She wasn’t stupid, she knew what that meant, his parabatai bond was gone, that could only mean that Jace was dead. She didn’t want to face that fact though, all she wanted was to get through to her brother, who was currently hunched on the floor, eyes open and glassy, gazing of into to nothingness. She could feel him shaking underneath her hands and could see how he struggled to hold his knees to his chest, as if his body was to weak to support himself. Of course, Clary was panicking next to her, more about Jace than Alec, but if this had happened to Alec, they could only assume worse had happened to Jace.

Izzy continued to call out to her brother, allowing herself to begin to fully panic, worried about both of her siblings, she didn’t dare look up from Alec’s terrified that if she looked away for a split second he would fall apart under her fingertips. It wasn’t until she heard her name being called from the direction of the house that she ripped her eyes away, the voice was almost unrecognisable, masked behind a croaky filter. She didn’t even process who it was until she heard Clary call out their name. Jace.

Her eyes shot up to the blond who was slowly coming towards her, being supported by a flustered Clary. Jace looked very much worse for wear, his gear ripped from almost every angle, to the point where it was barely protecting him anymore, his eyes looked hollowed and his knuckles where red and bleeding. As he came closer Izzy could sear the vague stains of tear marks down his face. Almost at the same time that she finished taking in Jace’s wrecked state she felt her brother flinch under her, the first active sign of movement since he revealed his missing rune.

“Jace, but how- Alec’s rune” Izzy managed to stumble the words out of her mouth, more than confused about the whole situation, one minute her and Clary where being attacked by demons, and the next Alec was screaming and writhing on the floor, calling out for his parabatai. In all of history the only three ways to break a parabatai bond where death, de-runeing, or being turned into a Downworlder, much like Lucian Graymark had been, and by giving Jace one look it was very clear he wasn’t dead, or a Downworlder. Jace gave a low shake of his head, clearly forcing more of his weight onto Clary to stabilise himself.

“I-I don’t know Iz…” his voice was hoarse, and it cracked when he spoke. Izzy could see him physically struggling to breathe through his mouth, his breaths coming out heavy and loud. “There was this demon- I had it under control, I started to feel really weak and then my rune began to sting, it was unbearable, I figured” his breath hitched as he continued, “I figured it was Alec.” Jace’s shoulders slumped, his body shaking more than before.

“the same thing happened to him Jace, we thought it was you who we’d lost. Alec seems to be a lot worse for wear than you though” Jace gave a nod before Clary chimed in.

“Would it be the Magnus thing? Would he have been affected as well? “The idea had crossed her mind before, but she hadn’t let the idea go any farther, figuring it was the loss of Jace, but now that Jace was very visibly okay it began to make a lot more sense.

“I’m not sure, but we need to get the both of you back to the institute so we can check you up in the right conditions.” Izzy’s words where controlling and authoritative, making sure the rest of them knew it was an order. She knelt down and shook her brother, trying once again to get a response from him.

Thankfully it managed to work, and he was able to sit up. His eyes where blank, staring through her as if she was a window in front of a boring view.

“Alec, come on Alec, we need to get you back to the institute.” Alec’s eyes still didn’t focus on her, but he began to stand up, shaking a bit as he grabbed his footing.

“Jace-” Alec began to ask where he was but was cut off by his parabatai before he could continue.

“I’m here. Alec it’s okay.” Her brother’s eyes began to focus at the sound of Jace’s voice, frantically flying around trying to find the source of the sound. Alec repeated his brother’s name before finally finding him. Izzy could visibly see Alec’s body relax, his eyes becoming less glassy and clearer, as if the sight of Jace was a blinding light in an army of darkness. Alec almost collapsed onto Izzy’s shoulder, she could feel his relief in the way he stood, his body feeling light on her back. She didn’t know what had happened, how it had happened or how it affected her brothers, but she knew she needed to be the leader here, so that is what she was going to be.

Alec felt brain dead, he knew Jace was alive, which was confusing enough in of itself, but he really didn’t want to think about what that meant. All he knew was the unbearable pain he’d felt and how confident he’d been that he’d lost his parabatai. Where the aria on his lower stomach where his rune used to rest felt heavy and hot, a numbing burning emitting from deep inside him. it wasn’t pain, but rather a bittersweet burn. He was being heavily supported by Izzy, he was resting majority of his body weight onto her shoulder, only barely being able to support himself on his shaking legs, one of his arms was hauled around his sister and the other was holding desperately onto his now bare stomach, his fingers digging tirelessly into his skin, trying to focus of the self-inflicted pain instead of the ache in his heart. 

He was limping along a small path, leading them back towards the wall that they’d come out of via portal. He could hear himself heaving, the scraping of Clary and Jace’s feet behind him nothing but background noise, clearly marking out how bad of a condition the four of them were in. As soon as they stopped to stand by the large brick wall of a neighbouring apartment building Alec’s body began to properly ache, to the point where if he wasn’t leaning against his sister he would be on the floor in seconds. His legs stung at the knees and his upper thighs where having trouble staying stable, he hadn’t been able to apply a healing rune yet and even if he had he was almost confident it would have done little to support his current state. All of them were silent as Clary drew a rune and opened a shimmering portal to the institute, the blue swirls of the portal felt almost inviting to Alec, knowing it led to one of his homes, where it was safe, where the answers where.

“Are you two stable enough to go through the portal? I don’t want either of you lost in limbo or something” it was Izzy, providing the only form of leadership the troubled group had at this point in time. Alec and Jace gave a simultaneous nod, confirming their mental state, it seemed even if they weren’t connected anymore old habits still died hard. Alec braced himself as he was the first one forced into the portal; Izzy had a hand on his back stabilizing him as he put full pressure onto his crumbling legs. He did his best to focus on the institute, to the portal sitting there on the lower layers, he focused on the safety of that area, of the parabatai bond that had been created and shared in that institute. Placing one foot in front of the other he walked through the blue vortex and felt his entire body warp momentarily as he was transported to the institute, he was able to feel his feet land on the familiar steady ground of the portal room, and just before his legs gave out Izzy was behind him supporting him once again, dragging him back to he reality of the situation.

He’d lost his parabatai.

Alec and Jace had been forced to take up two of the beds in the infirmary, Izzy and Clary enforcing medical tests and rest upon them, promising that they would figure out what happened, and they didn’t need to worry about it. The two brothers had been laying there silent for over 10 minutes, after the girls had rushed off to inform someone of importance, and most likely ask the spiral labyrinth for help. Alec had done nothing but run his hands over his empty abdomen and stare at the celling, trying to remember what it felt like to have Jace connected to him, trying to will back that warmth and reliability. Jace didn’t seem to be as affected by the separation as Alec was, and he didn’t know if it was because Alec relied on Jace more than the other relied on him or if it was because part of his energy was also being shared with Magnus, but he suspected it was most likely to be a mix of both.

“Alec-” Jace’s words came out as soft as a whisper, with terror and questioning camouflaged within his vocals. “listen, I don’t know what happened, but all I know-” he stopped, and Alec could hear his breath catch. “all I know is I can’t feel your safety anymore, and I don’t know what to do. You where my rock and I don’t know what to do without it, and if it was something I did I didn’t mean to Alec, I promise I would never” Jace’s words had become rushed and uncalculated, Alec wasn’t used to not knowing what the other was feeling, he didn’t have the same recognition of Jace’s emotions anymore, but the idea of Jace blaming himself for this really frightened Alec, he knew that when Jace felt guilty he would do something reckless to try and fix it, and Alec didn’t think he could lose anything else. Plus, in his heart he knew whose fault it was, he had felt the pull between Magnus’s connection and Jace’s during the battle, he’d felt them slipping, and he’d grasped onto Magnus. If Alec had just been stronger and had been able to accept his loss, both after Edom and during the fight, then none of this would have happened, yet he couldn’t bring himself to regret it. He’d gotten Magnus back, and no matter how guilty he felt, they were both alive which is better than they were a few weeks ago.

“It’s my fault Jace, it was the bond between you and Magnus, it was to strong and I felt them… I felt them fighting within me to hold on, they were slipping, and I held on to Magnus’s, I’m sorry Jace.” Jace said nothing in reply so Alec continued. “There are so many things I’ve done that have led up to this point Jace, so many mistakes I’ve made. When we were going to become parabatai I knew I had feelings for you, and yet I went through with it, because it was what you needed, I kept doing that, letting you get away with things, taking the blame, lying to our parents, the Clave, Clary. I let them all slide because it was what you needed Jace, and don’t think for a minute that I’m trying to guilt-trip you or anything, I’m not being rude, I’m just saying that forever I’ve been your parabatai and that means I’ve put you above me and that’s what my life has been, and I’m glad because it worked, I didn’t want limelight, I was so happy and content living behind you, just protecting you. My entire life I’ve done things because they’re the right thing to do for you and now the one time I make the wrong choice it’s the one that has the worst consequences, I’ve broken that bond Jace and I’m so sorry.” Alec knew he was rambling about everything that didn’t matter, knew that it didn’t matter what happened in the past, but he couldn’t help himself.

He’d lost their parabatai bond, and it was Alec’s fault.


	10. Resource

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey lovelies :)  
sorry its been so long, I've been holding onto this one for a while bc I'm not entirely happy with the beginning of the chapter... but I couldn't think of anything better, so enjoy:)

The news of Alec and Jace’s current situation hadn’t yet reached that of Magnus Bane’s apartment but the warlock knew something was wrong. About half an hour ago he’d been doubled over in pain, a tugging sensation ripping through his stomach, a dire, unbearable pain that only felt of one thing: Alexander. He’d been able to feel his soul and humanity retch out of him, and for a minute he thought he was going to die right then and there, but almost as soon as the pain had come it had left, his fullness coming back to him, air re-entering his lungs with ease. He didn’t know what had happened at the time, but without much thinking he knew it was the bond shared between him and Alec, and that either meant Alec was hurt or dead, the very thought of either of those scenarios occurring shook the warlock to his core.

He knew Alec was a Shadowhunter, death and injury where the gruesome descriptions of the life the young boy led, but that didn’t make the idea any easier to bear. This bond between the two of them was new, so unexplored that every single tinge he felt worried him, but this violent pain he’d felt was something new, something inherently bad, emanating doom within its very core.

He has thought of portaling to the institute to see what was going on, but he didn’t know if being near Alec would worsen the bond or not, it seemed to be so tender an fragile and he worried that any large moves would break it, portaling was a very unstable transport method as it is and his weak soul gave him extra tickets to a one way flight to limbo, and that, Magnus swiftly decided, was not worth the risk.

Obviously, this didn’t help the warlocks worry over his lover. He was sure the Izzy would call him if anything serious happened, so he shouldn’t need to fret. He didn’t. He was trying to convince himself that anyway, but it didn’t stop him pacing back and forth in his kitchen, in nothing but a silk robe and cheap slippers.

His nails were chipped from biting and he could feel the souls of his slippers waring away under his feet, the foe wool matting under his heels.

Everything he was feeling was so excruciatingly vivid. This always happened, his stress made him hyperaware, he could hear ever drip of a tap and every car passing by outside his high-rise Brooklyn apartment. His eyes followed every piece of hair from the chairman that flew around the penthouse like it was fairy dust, wishing on it to get some news about Alexander. He knew he was being stuborn and arrogant. He was sure a portal couldn’t do too much damage, but getting lost in limbo was something he really didn’t want to do, he supposed he could call a taxi to take him over, but then what if Alec showed up at his door and Magnus missed him? Endless possibilities played in his head, it was almost like re-enacting those choose your own adventure books he’d seen in public libraries every now and again. He didn’t know what to do with himself, so he kept pacing, his slippers getting thinner and nails closer to their quicks.

He couldn’t even tell you what time it was, he didn’t know what he was doing when he’d been doubled in pain, ever since he came back most of his days have been repetitive blurs, not yet taking on any new clients and no current war to fight Magnus had nothing to do with his days apart from look after the chairman and making sure Alec felt safe and loved and at home.

The two hadn’t shared more than passionate kisses since Magnus returned, never going as far as removing clothing, each to scared to break the other, worried about the new bond and the unfamiliar connection running through their veins, they hadn’t properly talked either, about what the connection they shared meant, for them, and about the reason they had broken up in the first place, the issue of immortality and what that meant for them. Its not like Magnus didn’t want to share himself with Alec again, he was just terrified that it would break the perfect fragile harmony they were living in at the moment, that the second their skin touched their world would explode or Magnus would be sucked back down to Edom, it was unreasonable, stupid even but even Magnus had fears and he suspected Alec felt the same.

The ring of Magnus’s phone studded his tapping of his feet, the pause between the first ring and the phone being pressed to the warlocks ear was almost non-existent, he had pressed the phone so hard to his ear he was sure it would leave a red spot.

“Hello?” he didn’t even check the caller ID, for all he knew it could be business, he’d jumped to the idea that it would be something to do with Alec. He held his breath until the person on the other end of the phone spoke.

“Magnus? Hey it’s Izzy. Listen we need you here at the institute, we ran into some trouble on mission and-” Magnus was quick to cut her off, already knowing this was going to be about his beloved.

“I’ll be right there, although I don’t know if portaling is the best idea” the other end of the line as silent for a few seconds.

“Please Magnus, I think you have to be here.” And with that the call was ended, the angry beeping of the phone echoing through Magnus’s entire body.

Swiftly, without even thinking for another second he forced himself to open a portal, directly to the New York institute.

When the blue shimmers of his magic faded away into the air Magnus was standing alone in the long forgotten main hallway of the institute, the large brick walls looming over him, reminding him of old medieval architecture…he’d never really liked that time period, always too much tragedy.

Unfortunately Magnus wasn’t well educated on the floorplan of the Shadowhunters local fortress, so instead he opted to search every door until he found Alexander, he didn’t have time to wait for Izzy to find him and tell him where to go, he needed to get to Alec now.

Luckily for him it really didn’t take him long to find the infirmary, it stood out like a sore thumb, the doors were wide open, and the inside almost shone with its bright hospital white, the bleach of the walls shing almost like the lights of heaven, not that Magnus had been to heaven, he was part demon after all not exactly welcome in heaven.

. The contrast between the infirmary and the rest of the institute was blinding and if he didn’t know better, he would have thought they could have been in completely different dimensions.

Magnus all but ran into the bleached room, his heart dragging him forward almost by instinct to where he would find the people he cared about. He had no clue what had happened today and as he entered the room he held his breath in case it was the worst case scenario.

What he was met with was actively not what he was expecting. He was expecting battle wounds, broken bones, blood maybe a bade sticking out of a body part, but instead what he found was almost normal.

Only two of the beds were fitted and neither of the sheets were stained with anything apart from small amounts of dirt.

Even through he was looking for Alec, Jace was the one Magnus’s eyes fell on first. He was moving agitated around in the medical cot, his face a little pale and body restless. On first glace there was no reason he should be in a bed, but upon looking at him a bit closer he realised that his eyes were stuck on one spot, the bed next to him which was filled with alexander.

Who was definitely not moving.

Magnus’s heart sank and panic rose from the deepest part of his soul. Before he can take a single step, before he can even lift his slippers off the ground Jace speaks.

“Magnus. Please help him. I-I don’t know why it affected him and not me, I don’t know what happened, but I can’t feel him Magnus.” Jace’s shoulders slumped forward and his voice held little else apart from panic, and it reminded him of another Herondale many years ago, and the pleas in his voice when he begged Magnus to help him.

Jace’s eyes didn’t leave Alec, and Magnus stepped forward, going over to Alexander.

Alec’s body was completely still apart from the soft rise an fall of his chest. His eyes were plastered to the ceiling but open, and blinking. Which was, in Magnus’s book, a good sign.

Still standing, Magnus took a deep breath and let his magic flow through Alec, pushing his panic to the side and focusing on the issue at hand, he let his power run through the Shadowhunter and let it touch every single cell, aiming to locate whatever was wrong.

Magnus turned to Jace, desperate for answers. “Jace, what happened. My results saying he’s physically fine, and you look fine.”

Jace’s gaze doesn’t break, but his voice does. “We were… we were looking for a demon, nothing new and then I felt this pain on my rune, the parabatai one, and it was _unbearable _Magnus, and I thought he’d died, but then I came outside and he was, he was like this.”

Magnus’s mind was going one thousand miles an hour, trying desperately to connect the dots, knowing that the Shadowhunters had no clue what was going on.

“I felt a tug on our bind as well Jace, about forty minutes ago. I don’t know what this means, let me just focus on Alec first , ill figure out what this means later on” Magnus focuses back on Alec and pushes his magic into Alec once again, digging deep into his body to reach his soul.

What Magnus found was barely a scrap of Alec.

What was usually a full soul was split in so many ways. What was left was barely a quarter of a soul. Alec barely had a quarter of his presence left within him. It was known that half of ones soul was transferred during the parabatai bond, and Magnus concluded very quickly that half of the remaining portion had been given to him during his revival. However, that should mean he should have part of Magnus’s and Jace’s in there as well, but all that was left was that one portion of alec.

He didn’t know how this happened, what caused it but he could assume that Aec was comatose because there was not enough soul left in him to properly function.

Magnus redacted his Magic from his boyfriend, working his way through the issue in his head, figuring out how he can possibly fulfil Alec’s soul again.

He would give up some of his in an instant, but his was already being shared with Alec and if any of Magnus’s soul left his body he was in serious danger of death. Jace would also give up his soul, Magnus knew that, but he worried that would put Jace in a similar state to Alec.

In fact Magnus worried that if any soul entered Alec’s body that wasn’t his own then there wouldn’t be enough of Alec in him to properly be himself again.

Magnus was lucky with his soul, he had his magic to draw on to add extra stability and to withhold more of himself within him, but Alec didn’t have that, unlike magic, runic powers weren’t unique, there was no identifying factor of runic magic, apart from the parabatai bond.

\-- Flashback - - 

“We need to talk about this Alexander, you know we do.” Alec sighed a deep breath as he walks across the room to the couch next to where Magnus is sitting. Magnus noticed his eyes dancing around the room, seeing to focus on everything apart from Magnus.

“I know, I know we do, I just don’t know how to start this. I don’t know what you want, I don’t know what I want.” Magnus can almost see the cogs turning behind Alec’s eyes, and he would be lying if he said he hadn’t been avoiding this conversation.

Magnus made a physical effort to turn and at Alec. Magnus had had to have many similar conversations in his life time surrounding his immortality, he’d always ad the same outlook, the same knowledge that in all of these previous occurrences that same speech had also always turned into a breakup speech, however this time was different. Because he knew in his heart this wasn’t going to be their end. So instead he took a deep breath and began to talk.

“Look Alec. Our relationship is still reasonably young. Its dedicated and we both love each other… but we don’t know where its going to go from here.” Alec nods. “And honestly, I’ve been avoiding talking about this, or even thinking about it.” Magnus turned to Alec, clasping both of his hands in his, rubbing slow circles into his palms as he forces Alec to look into his eyes, preparing him for what Magnus knows is the truth.

“Alexander. Immortality is something that has constantly gotten in the way of relationships, its why I am who I am today. I’ve lived many lives and been in many scenarios. So I’m going to tell you now that wherever you stand on this, its okay. But here is what I want to say before we go anywhere. I’m the high warlock of Brooklyn, the son of a greater demon, a very powerful warlock. And above all else I _am_ a warlock. Every part of me is tied to my magic and my immortality, to the things I’ve been able to learn in my life, the events I’ve lived through. And I know I’ve forgiven you for the mortality threat, but I have to say that I cannot become mortal for you. No matter how much I love you, or will love you in the future, no matter what our life becomes I cannot lose part of who I am for it, not something this big.” Magnus takes a breath before continuing, knowing he’s walking on an already cracked glass pavement, treading carefully to convey what he wants without losing Alec. “And you can’t expect that from me Alec, and I know you don’t, but I’m saying that that’s not on the cards for me. Alec, what comes of this relationship is up to you, weather you choose immortality or mortality is your choice, and whatever you choose I will support you. But I do ask you to think carefully because from the very beginning I knew you were destined to go far in the clave, to change things for Downworlders and Shadowhunters alike. And much like you can’t ask me to become mortal I cannot ask you to not become immortal.” Magnus stops, looking in depth into Alec’s eyes. Waiting for him to speak.

“Magnus. I don’t think I can do it either. I know what my actions from the past may convey but just like you are a warlock above all else, I am a Shadowhunter above all else. I don’t think I can lose that. Its not going to change where our relationship goes. I know I’m still young, for normal standards, and maybe my mortality opinion may change over the years, but for now I can’t give up what makes me, me, either. And as grim as this is going to sound, you deserve so much happiness even after I’m gone and the reassurance that you’re going to get that, going to continue to experience new things and live through time and help the people who need it. Knowing that you’ll be able to look after my sister’s kids and grandkids, maybe ours if we have any, is so reassuring.”

Honestly, it wasn’t the answer Magnus was expecting. He was expecting Alec to say that it wasn’t something he was up to, or that he had to have time to decide, but the answer Alec gave, saying that he’s happy where he is now, and knowing Magnus will look after the people he loves is somehow the best answer possible. Magnus knew it wasn’t fair to either of them if they spent eternity together, Alec would lose who he is, Magnus would lose experiences, things do change overtime no matter how powerful ones love is.

“So, we stay how we are and just cherish what we have.” it’s not a question. It was a statement, something as sure as a fact to Magnus.

Alec gave a nod and kissed him on the forehead.

And in that moment Magnus knew that wherever their love went, however strong or weak it might get both of them were happy with each other. Alec with Magnus and all his powerful magic and Magnus with Alec with his runes, youth, and devotion to the people he loves. They’d made the right choice. And Magnus knew that Alec would always be something special even after he was long gone and Magnus had loved many times after.

Alexander lightwood would always be a turning point in his life.

A turning point for love.

A turning point for acceptance.

A turning point for Magnus.

And a turning point for the whole Shadoworld.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoyed, no promises when the next chapter will come out but it'll hopefully not take as long as this one did.


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